'Tis The Season...

Hello, my good friends.  I know I have been absent recently.  Let's just say it has been a long and hard couple of months.  I spent much of October and November under the weather.  Feeling better now, however.  As for our soldier, he had to spend his first holiday and nineteenth birthday away from home.  I am so grateful for his new found military friends and family.  It is so nice to know that he is not alone.  It is hard, but knowing that he is not alone brings me some comfort.  So much has happened in the last couple of months.  By now you all are aware that Dustin will not be coming home for Christmas.  Not something that I am exactly happy about.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  It was hard enough to deal with the fact that Christmas was going to be tight with me being sick and just getting back to work.  Not having him here has made it even harder to get into the spirit.  It hasn't exactly been easy for him to accept either.  It's funny...you sit and hear or read about how people get frustrated with loved ones.  Paul and I would give anything to have Dustin here to frustrate us.  lol!!  Some just don't know how lucky they really are.  With knowledge of him not coming home also came news that it is very possible he will be deployed sometime next year.  This is not exactly the news any family member wants to hear, not especially at Christmas time.  This means, we are not sure he will be here next Christmas either.  I have to admit that we knew deep down that this would come to pass.  However, it doesn't make it easier.  The last thing any parent wants for their child is to be in harms way.  Paul, the kids, family, and I have learned to lean on each other.  Tears have become a regular thing around here for Shelby and I.  She misses her brother so badly.  One minute she is all giggles and the next she is teary-eyed and the words, "I miss my bother" come out.  Then of course, this causes a chain reaction.  I become a mess.  Paul just holds us.  Then there is Dylan, bless his heart, he tries his best to make us laugh.  This is his way of dealing...laughter.  He misses his brother just as much as we do.  I can see it in his face whenever Dustin is mentioned.  As a mother, you hope that your children will grow to appreciate and be there for each other.  If there is one reward in all this, it is that Paul and I have seen the three of our children create bonds that no one can ever break.  Dustin says he is hoping to be home around the end of January.  However, we have learned that everything happens on the Army's timeline.  He still loves what he is doing.  He has also developed a soft spot for the south.  He absolutely loves Georgia.  He is going to freeze to death when he does come home.  lol!!!

Paul and I want to take this chance to thank everyone who has sent him and other troops cards, care packages, support, and prayers.  It has truly warmed our hearts with all the support you have given.  Trust me, he is still as much a Beaverton boy as he was when he left.  He misses home a lot.  He is so proud of where he comes from.  He is proud of the support and love you all show all troops.  His family is also.  I have seen Dustin grow in so many ways.  Some say he has changed.  He has changed.  He is no longer a kid.  He has grown up.  However, his caring and giving personality is still the same.  He has always been a "good guy".  I remember having a conversation about that with him once.  They say good guys always finish last.  Well, I think Dustin is proving that saying wrong.  Not only do good guys come in first, but they do it in a way that makes others look up to them.  Knowing this is what keeps Paul and I going.  We realize that while our son may not be home for Christmas, there are others out there going through worse.  We have always believed in giving back, but it has become more like a therapy now.  We may not always have the money to give, but there is always a kind word, a helping hand, or a simple hello with a smile.  I guess the general thought is that if a soldier can sacrifice everything he does, then we can surely take a minute to make someone's day better.  God has always seen us through any obstacle that has come our way.  He will get us through this.  Much Love and Many Blessings!!  Oh and Merry Christmas!!!  We hope it is a great time for you and your family and friends.  We hope it is filled with love, laughter, and memories that last a lifetime.  In the end, it is what this time of year is all about.  It might sound cliché, but it is true.  God Bless ;)           

At Last...

The big day has come.  AIT graduation.  We are all so proud of him.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset about not being able to be there.  However, I am so excited that Paul, the kids, and mom and dad could be.  I have taken the time alone to do some much needed reflection.  This has been a long and difficult process.  Yet, somewhere in the midst of all of it, there is so much pride and love.  The last four months have proven to be an adjustment for everyone.  For Dustin, it is the transformation from High School Graduate to being a soldier of the U.S. Army.  A task he has embraced wholeheartedly.  It doesn't just change the soldier, though.  It changes the family too.  I have found that over the last four months many things come to light.  One is that some will criticize.  They do so because they do not understand.  They want you to explain the feelings you have or the actions you take into words.  However, the part they don't get is that is impossible to do.  You do the things you do, because it is all you have.  It's not like you can just through your arms around your child when times get bad.  You fear for their well-being and you fear for their life.  You see, if something happens to my son, it is because someone intentionally set out to hurt him for fighting for what he believes in.  That is still something that is very hard for me to swallow.  In the process you form friendships with those who are going through what you are and can understand what that feels like.  Now, that we are to this point, I have no regrets of starting this blog or doing anything I have.  I see how many it has touched (yes, I read every message) and value the friendships I have made along the way.  Most of all, I see the pride that it has brought my soldier.  If that makes me selfish, then so be it.   I am sure, to some, it does seem that way.  However, I will not apologize for making my son, or any of my children, my number one priority.  The biggest lesson I have learned is that people really do care.  They just don't always know how to show it.  Not just friends and family, but people as a whole.  They support and love all our troops.  If you give them a way or a voice, they will express how they feel and how much the appreciate our soldiers.  To those that have, we are so grateful.  You have shown us so much love and support.  We could never repay you for everything.  I don't think there is a time when Paul, I, or the two kids don't get asked about Dustin.  Most generally it comes with a thank you and a message to him to say thank you.  We always try to make sure he gets the message.  He can not wait to come home.  We are hoping he will be home for Christmas, but as with everything else, will not know for sure until he is at his first duty station and gets settled.  I have to tell you, knowing he will be in one place for longer then 10 weeks is nice.  Also, Shelby and I are very excited to be able to send him goodies, finally.  He loves his homemade cookies.  Ha!

This process does change you.  It changes you as a mom, as a family, and as a human being.  Eighteen years ago I never dreamed we would be at this point.  For some reason, it is where the Lord has led us.  He has shown us so many things through it all.  I am now a true believer that if there is something or someone you believe in, then you should take action and do what you can to support it.  Don't sit and wait for someone to come to you to ask for help.  Take it upon yourself to reach out.  You will be rewarded in ways you never imagined.  I have found so much happiness in supporting Dustin and his fellow soldiers, as well has their families.  Oh it has been challenging.  But I have found ways to deal with those challenges.  It's worth all of it.  I have always told my children to do what makes them happy in life.  Finally I am taking my own advice.  I am in the process of pursuing some of the things that make me happy.  I love helping others and I love writing.  There is no feeling better then getting a thank you from a soldier for a simple card, or the feeling that I get when another Army mom reads my blog and lets me know that she felt alone until she read my blog.  Words have so much power.  We often forget that.  They can hurt a great deal, even leave scars.  On the other hand, they can encourage, inspire, and take you places you never thought you would go.  I hope to accomplish that here.  I encourage you all to do the same.

The two kids were so excited to be able to see their brother.  I am sure he was just as excited to see them too.  We try to include him as much as possible through texting, photos, and phone calls so that he doesn't miss too much.  He is always on our minds.  The simplest things will bring random comments or thoughts.  They seem to come out of the blue.  Sometimes with laughter, sometimes with tears.  You can tell when he text or calls.  The mood in this house elevates so much.  Dustin is going to Fort Stewart, Georgia.  He sounds happy about it.  I am just grateful his boots will still be on US soil.  I do not have an address yet.  As soon as I do, I will let you all know.  He would love to hear from you, I am sure.  As I previously stated, hopefully he will be home at Christmas.  Congratulations to all the soldiers who graduated today from AIT!  We are all so proud of you.  As always thank you for everything.  Much love and many blessings!!!       

Lonely Sundays...

Well, it is quiet here.  Paul and the kids are gone today.  Some might think that this is a mom's dream come true.  A few hours of peace and some "Me time".  Today it really doesn't feel that way at all.  I am, once again, feeling under the weather.  No thanks to our wonderful Michigan climate changes.  Not really sure if that has anything to do with my mood today or not.  Yesterdays phone call from Dustin was so nice.  We  hadn't heard from him since their phones were taken away.  He told me he is going to Fort Stewart, Georgia.  Still a long way from home, but not so far that we won't be able to visit.  I just thank God for the fact that he is on the East side of the United States and there are no huge bodies of water in between.  However, Paul and I did some research last night, and it looks like Fort Stewart has a reputation for fast and frequent deployments.  It doesn't mean that Dustin is going to be deployed for sure, but it looks like it might be in the future.  He did say he was very happy with it.  I guess, in the long run, that is all that matters.  He is so content, right now.  I can hear all the excitement in his voice when he talks on the phone.  As a mother, it makes me so proud.  Not just because he is serving his country, but because he had the guts to just go for it and live his dream.  I don't know what the Lord has in store for him next.  I do know, however, he is ready to take it head on.  He graduates from AIT on Oct. 3, 2013.  It is still unclear whether or not he will have to stay in Fort Sill for BFIST training or go straight to Fort Stewart.  As with everything else, we will handle it when it comes.  Paul and I have adapted to the "No news is good news" way of life.  There seems to just be less disappointment that way. 

It would seem that I am not the only one in the house having a bit of a hard time these days.  Dylan and Shelby have also had more frequent "moments".  It is harder for them with school starting.  They are getting asked questions daily about how Dustin is, where he is going, and when he is coming home.  These are the same questions they have themselves.  It is hard when you don't have the answers yourself.  The y are getting through it.  Paul and I try to be there for those difficult moments.  It's hard as a parent, but it must be even worse on a child.  There is still so much they don't understand.  So many good and bad moments they want to share with him, but can't.  You can see the love and pride they carry for Dustin.  Dylan has been playing his heart out on that football field and getting ready for hunting season.  Two things he always shared with his older brother.  Shelby is getting on with her Senior year and has so many things she misses having Dustin here to help her with.  College applications, classes, and other things that seem to be easier to deal with when big brother is around.  It just breaks Paul's and my hearts to see the tears well up in their eyes when they have one of those moments.  then it is like a chain reaction.  After we are done trying to comfort them, we find ourselves trying to comfort ourselves and each other.  It's funny.  You sit and listen to everyone talk about their issues and problems.  How they wish their children could decide what they wanted to do.  Complain about how their child doesn't listen or pick up after themselves.  How they have all these things going on.  These are all things I have caught myself doing, at one time or another.  I look back now, and see how petty it all can be.  Someone actually said to me once, "At least your son has a plan for his life."  I wanted to say, "Yeah, but I would give anything to have him here to holler at for not picking his shoes up."  Then I think about how long it has been since I could give him a hug.  It has been since the middle of August, for me.  It has been since the beginning of June for Paul and the kids.  Trust me, you do keep track.  You think this way because you envy them to a certain degree.  You recognize how important those problems are to them and don't try to make light of them.  You try to support or help them through their issues, while secretly a part of you would give anything to have your son/daughter there to yell at.  Crazy, but true.

I think that God gives us the amount of strength we need as we go.  It doesn't get easier, you just learn to adapt in different ways to the stress and the worry.  Sometimes, a hug will do the trick.  Other times, you just need to hide in the bathroom and cry your eyes out.  But somehow, there is always a way to carry on and get through it.  I have definitely learned a lot over the course of the last 4 months.  The soldiers are not the only ones who come out of this changed and with a whole new perspective.  The families do to.  I sit and think about the one's who are just getting started.  It makes me realize how far we have come and how much we have already learned.  It's a lifestyle change, that is for sure.  You think twice about everything, if not more.  Simple things like the phones ringing have a whole new meaning.  You don't sweat over the house being spotless.  But you do go crazy if that mail carrier is late.  lol!!!  One very important thing you realize is that family goes way beyond blood lines.  Not just for us, but for our soldiers, as well.  The relationships they are developing now are unlike any they have ever experienced.  They will share so much together.  Things, we as family even, will never understand.  The crazy thing is...they don't expect us to "get it".  They just ask for us to support them.  That is what this Army mom has chose to do.  I am proud to be an Army mom.  I am proud that the day my son graduated from high school, he had U.S. Army on his graduation cap, while others had colleges or nothing at all.  I am proud that he wears his uniform wit pride, love, and respect.  Not just for his country, but for the people in it and their beliefs.  Much love and many blessings!!!!           

Keeping Busy...

Truly, this has been a hard day.  Not just because of the fact that it was 9-11, but because everywhere I looked there were constant reminders of the terror Dustin vowed to fight against.  Added to the fact that I was not able to communicate with him in anyway, and my worry-wart meter was in overdrive.  I know that it has been a while since I have posted.  To be honest, I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about it.  Let me just catch everyone up.  Last Friday a soldier in Dustin's platoon threw a rock and hit another soldier in the face.  All this was taking place while we were texting each other.  From everything I was able to gather, when they asked who did it, no body owned up to it.  As punishment, they took the whole battery's phones and electronics.  Yes, even those who didn't have anything to do with it.  To add salt to the wound, they got their orders on Saturday, so we have no idea where he is going until he writes or calls.  Harsh?  Yes!  But as I have stated in the past, the Army has purpose for everything.  The individual or individuals have since come clean, but they still have to earn back their privileges.  Now, am I mad?  Absolutely.  Did I want to drive down there and ring the little hellions neck?  So bad I was shaking.  But more then anything, I was scared.  The young men my son is serving with are also the same men that will someday have his back.  Or, at least, that is the general hope.  I want to believe that if the time ever comes, someone will be there to fight for his life.  I know he would theirs.  So, while I don't like the idea that he had his phone taken away because of someone else's stunt, I understand what the Army is trying to teach these young men.  It goes way beyond how to drive a Bradley or shoot a gun.  It is deeper and more meaningful then that.  It is about being a brotherhood.  the phrase that comes to mind is "All for one, and one for all."  Funny thing is I used to use this phrase when I would talk to the three kids about how important having your brother/sisters back was.  Here Dustin is getting a first hand lesson. 

I have found much frustration comes from having him in AIT.  The amount of information about their activities and stuff is slow and very little.  I have decided that this is the Army's way of preparing the soldiers and their families for a lifestyle that is based on knowing what they need to know when it is needed.  Not a minute sooner, or a detail more.  I have accepted this.  Maybe it is because that is how I grew up.  Let's be honest, there may come a day that Dustin is called to go somewhere to do his job, and we won't know where he is or when he is coming home.  Furthermore, we probably won't hear from him much, if at all.  It's not a pleasant thought, but let me tell you something that makes it easier to deal with.  This would be the idea that it is what will keep him safe.  There was a phrase used at the orientation when Dustin went to AIT.  The gentleman stated, "The hunter now becomes the hunted."  It was hard to hear, but it was the truth.  I prefer that I not hear anything from him, and know that no news is good news, then to receive a dreaded knock at the door or phone call.  I know that there are those that will disagree with me.  That is fine.  We are all entitled to our opinions.  Dustin has applied for Air Assault training and B Fist training (doing his job inside a specialized Bradley).  It would be naive of me to think that he would never be in dangers way.  This is his job.  It is what he has been training to do and is proud to do.  As his mother, I can only support him.  I may not like it, but I do support him.  One thing I can honestly say that this has taught me...never pass the opportunity to tell someone you love them.  Not ever!!!  I don't care if they hurt your feelings or didn't remember your birthday, or whatever.  The chance to say "I love you" now, may not come soon or ever again, for that matter.  Be grateful for every second you have with them.  Because a second now, may not be present again.

As I have stated, I have been trying to keep myself busy.  We are pretty much all settled into the new house.  We have been here for a month and I have found some improved health has come with it.  I am by no means perfect, but I am much better then I have been in the past two or three years.  Just have to remember to not overdo it (easier said then done for me).  I have decided to start a candle business in order to help pay for care packages for soldiers.  If I had to be honest, I would have to say there was more purpose then that behind it.  I think that part of it is just a way to keep me busy.  I have so much more time on my hands with Dustin gone and the other two being older.  I needed something to do.  The other thing is just plain being able to be social again.  I am feeling healthy enough to finally be in the presence of people other then children, doctors, dogs, and my husband (God love his soul).  Not only does it help distract me, but just having adult female conversation again has been so good for my spirit.  We, as moms, forget how important and therapeutic it is to get together and have some quality "me time".  Dustin would laugh at me so hard, right now.  I always gave the boys heck for not being able to sit still well.  He would say the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, and raise his eyebrows at me.  He was right.  I miss him so much it hurts.  We all do.  There is not a time of the day he doesn't cross our minds.  Sometimes, I will be sitting here and I just get this knot in the pit of my stomach from all the worry.  Other times, my heart just aches because I miss him so much.  I have shed so many tears, and at the most random times.  Shelby and Dylan have expressed that it is a little harder being in school.  They get asked questions about Dustin all the time.  Shelby's response is, "It's harder to ignore when you have to actually talk about it."  When they do have to talk about it, they are so proud.  they each have dog tags they wear everyday.  They wear them proudly and with so much love.  Never let it be said that my children do not love and care for each other.  Dustin even went so far as to arrange a shout out to his brother last Thursday night for his first home football game.  Dylan was already having such a great game.  That just made it even more special.  It was a precious meaningful moment shared with a community that has become our family in so many ways.  Even from thousands of miles away he is finding ways to keep in touch with his roots.  I am so proud of him.  He said something to me while he was in Basic that sticks with me.  He said, "Mom, I didn't think that many people cared that much."  I simply said, "Yup, this town is a lot to be proud of.  We are very blessed to call it home."  He agreed then, and still does now.  Our family appreciates everything you have done.  All the encouragement, concern, and love.  I will never ever be able to say thank you enough.  The thing is, this isn't just our families story.  It is the story of every military family out there (with a little variation).  So, please include them all in your prayers.  We will update everyone as soon as we know where Dustin is going.  If it is Hawaii, I am packing my bags too.  lol!!!  Just sayin'... Much love and many blessings!!!!!        

Reality Bites...

Well, all...I had been taking a much needed break.  It would seem that between moving, traveling, getting sick, and work.  I just over did it.  But with the recent events taking place in todays world, I feel my heart strings being pulled back to it.  First of all, you should all know that Dustin is doing very well.  He loves AIT, the Army, and the Army way of life.  Oklahoma...not so much.  But he knows it is temporary.  He should have his orders for his first duty station here in a week or two.  Then we will have a lot better idea of where he will be for a longer period of time.  AIT is so different from BCT.  In more ways then one.  Yet, in some ways the same.  The letter writing has pretty much come to a halt for him.  However, we text each other almost every night.  Which I almost prefer.  That is because it is real time and not about what happened a week ago.  Also, we are able to cheer each other up when we are having a bad moment.  Still no baked goods can be sent.  Health and fitness are an intricate part of their training.  Therefore, no sweets.  I must admit, it is killing me.  I love baking and can't wait to be able to send him stuff.  His favorite is homemade cookies (of just about any kind).  He did mention that he is going to try and put in for the holidays off when he gets to his first assignment.  Not sure if he will get it, but it would be so awesome to have him home.  Christmas is my favorite holiday.  The kids and Paul often make fun of me because I start planning for it so early.  No kidding...if I could keep my tree up year round, I would.  Unfortunately, people would think I had lost my mind if I did.  We all have our fetish.  Christmas is mine. 

You know I was starting to actually get used to all of this.  At least, I thought I was.  Then all of a sudden, Syria happened.  Unfortunately, my feelings of contentment were replaced with that of fear, worry, and sadness.  One minute everything is fine, the next minute I am sitting in front of CNN praying that the President will not be sending troops, with a box of Kleenex in one hand, and my Bible in the other.  It is an awful feeling.  I felt nauseous, antsy, and like someone had kicked me in the gut the entire time I was watching it.  Then a thought came to me.  If I was scared, what must an 18 year old soldier be going through.  I quickly texted him to see what he was doing.  He told me he was in his room.  When I asked him why he wasn't watching the news, his answer made me so proud and so sad at the same time.  He said, "Either way, I'll do what I got to do."  My son is not a little boy anymore, he is a man.  Not just any man.  He is an American Soldier, who has devoted his life and well being to this country and the people in it.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was one of the proudest yet saddest moments I think I have experienced through all this.  Yes, more then graduation and all that.  This was the moment it had all come full circle for me.  The moment that I realized what all the training, tears, sweat, and nights spent worrying were for.  It was also a reminder, that whether or not our troops are sent, they need and deserve our gratitude and support.  It is so easy to voice opinions and spout off, when you have no personal connection to it.  Do I want my son to go?  Heck no!!!  I saw what those biochemical did to those poor people.  It was awful.  Images I can't erase from my mind.  I don't want one of those people to be my son.  However, I accept that this is what he chose to do with his life.  I respect that, and made a promise.  I promised that I would support him and be the best darn Army mom I could be.  This is what an Army mom does.  It kills me deep inside.  It truly does.  If something does happen to him, it isn't like it was due to a long illness or even a freak accident.  It is because someone who hates him (and those like him) intentionally set out to harm him for what he believes in and stands up for.  Not a feeling I wish for anyone.  I may not agree with the politics.  But I love and support my son and those like him.  That is what matters.  On behalf of Military families everywhere, I ask that you do the same.  Their job is to follow out orders.  We ask that you support them, even if you don't agree with the politics.  They are doing what they have been trained to do.  They do it honorably, willingly, and with much pride.   Much love and many blessings!!!         

We Still Have A Long Way To Go...

Well, it's over.  He made it through BCT.  I can not tell you how very proud of him Paul and I are.  It is a bittersweet experience.  There is no greater feeling then watching your child live their dream.  However, there is no sadder feeling then the feeling you get when you must leave them with no real answers as to when you will see them again.  The last five days have been a roller coaster of emotions and activities.  Not even really sure that I can fit it all in one blog post.  One of my greatest moments was when I watched my son march across that stage.  There he was, not quite four months from the time he graduated from high school.  Only this time he was dressed in Army dress blues and not a cap and gown.  For any parent who has tried to sum that feeling up into words, it is hard.  The truth is, there isn't any.  You don't know whether to cry or to jump up and down.  All I wanted to do was to give him the biggest hug.  However, that was made impossible by the fact that they bused them off so quickly, we couldn't.  By the time we were able to get him for the night it was after 5:30.  We had dinner together and went back to the hotel to hang out.  Since my plane left around 10 A.M. on Saturday, we had to drop him off early.  I did manage to hold it together.  No tears...that is until after I dropped him off and exited the building.  At that moment, I felt a huge ache in my chest.  An emptiness that I couldn't get back.  All I wanted, at that point, was to run back, grab him, and stick him in the car with me.  But that, as we all know, was impossible.  So the next best thing was to have someone give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay.  All I needed was a moment to absorb the fact that I had just dropped my son off and was not sure if I would see him again in October or at Christmas or possibly even later.  Added to the pressure of having to break all that news to his family, I was completely overwhelmed.  I didn't need someone to compare it to something else or to make it about something else.  I just needed that few minutes to get my thoughts together and accept what was.  I needed that moment to be about me and my son.  That isn't what happened at all.  To top it all off, there was an Army Mom on the plane who got to bring her soldier home with her.  I was so jealous, and so mad at myself for feeling that way.  I was happy for her because she could bring him home, yet sad because I had to leave my soldier behind.  Did not help my situation, in the least bit.  So 10 hours and two plane rides later, I was finally in my husbands arms and broke down.  And I have still had my moments since then.  I will continue to have those moments, I am sure.  I have never tried to compare this situation to anyone else's or what I am feeling to anyone else.  I feel that every situation is different.  Please, understand, that my story is just that...my story.  I am sure there are Army Moms out there who experience it differently.  I carry so much pride, yet so much worry.  I worry because I am Dustin's mom.  It is my job to worry about him.  If there is one piece of advice I could give anyone, it is never let someone make you feel like worrying about your child is wrong or ridiculous.  No matter how old they are.  You are their mother.  If you didn't worry about them, there would definitely be something wrong.

When Dustin started his journey, I did not know how I would get through it.  I did not know a lot of other mothers who were going through the same as I was.  Then I found this wonderful group of ladies, who all had soldiers that were in BCT with Dustin.  We have seen each other through good times and bad.  We have sat up talking about so many other things besides our soldiers.  While we had formed an incredible friendship and bond online, we had never really met.  That is until this weekend.  I got to meet several of the Army Moms that I had been communicating with.  All I can say is that they are even more special then I thought.  These women and their soldiers have become a part of my daily life.  They are my Army family.  We have been through much together, and will continue to go through things together.  They are true, dear friends.  I have been so blessed to have met each and everyone of them.  They have not only helped me, but inspired me as well.  It was one simple act that led to making a couple of soldiers feel important and cared for that gave me the idea for Dustin's Journey and sponsoring soldiers.  They did it because they cared, not for any other reason.  Because they are good people, not just seeking accolades.  I believe that an Army Mom's love can go very far.  Far beyond the support and love of one soldier.  It can spread among dozens.  You may be asking if we will continue to communicate and be there for each other.  Yes, we will.  In fact, many of our soldiers are doing AIT together at Fort Sill.  God does work in mysterious ways.  That is for sure.

There are still many unanswered questions.  When is Dustin coming home?  What can we send him in AIT?  What happens after AIT?  Let me just say that the only answers I have, at this moment, are sketchy, at best.  More definite answers will come in 3-4 weeks when he gets his orders for his first duty station.  He may be home in October, if he is sent overseas.  At that time, we have been told it will only be for 5 days.  If he isn't sent overseas, he will probably not be home until Christmas.  He has expressed that this is the route in which he is leaning.  If he comes home in October, he just won't have a lot of time.  His current Graduation date is October 3, 2013.  So, he will miss Homecoming.  As for care packages, we are told they are not allowed to have treats in their rooms.  Therefore, we ask that until we are given the okay from Dustin, you not send them.  AIT is not the same as basic training.  However, we were told that the physical training is intense, the standards are higher, and they want them in the best shape possible.  Energy drinks, fast food, and basically, any other form of junk food is discouraged.  Some have made comments about the size of Dustin's arms.  Well, watch out, because the Army isn't done with him yet.  Other details will come with other blog posts.  As I stated, there were many things to tell.  But for now, we feel it is important for you to all understand that he is happy.  In fact, I don't think I have ever seen him so focused, relaxed, content, and just plain ecstatic about anything in his life.  We owe you all so much.  Your love and support have been nothing short of amazing.  Your love and support for him (as well as other soldiers) have made my family so proud of where we come from.  Again we love and thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.  Much love and many blessings.         

It All Comes Full Cricle...

Got a letter today from our soldier.  You know those moments that you hear about.  You know the ones.  The ones when you realize that all those hours of worry, constant badgering, arguing, and everything else was worth it.  The moment all the responsibilities of being a parent payoff.  I'm not talking about the moments when they graduate from high school, find the job of their dreams, get married, or anything like that.  I'm talking about the moment you realize your child "gets it".  Yup, well that moment came to me today in the form of a letter.  This was the longest letter he had written, to date.  As always, he went on to say he was excited for graduation and that he loved what he was doing.  He passed his final PT exam with flying colors.  He wrote that he missed everyone so much.  It was what came after all that made me a complete mess.  Now, let me just say that I know my son has never been a saint.  I mean, he is a good kid, but like with every teen, we have had our concerns and battles where certain things come into play.  As I read this letter, it became perfectly clear that many of those concerns would be put to rest.  He wrote about how much he appreciated everything that mom and dad had done for him.  He went on to say that he still had a lot of growing up to do, but that he had become the man and soldier he is today because of everything I had taught him.  I don't have to tell you how much that meant to me.  This was the first time he had ever said something like that to me.  Oh sure, it's always been implied...but never actually put into words.  As parents, we look for validation.  Not just from our peers, but from our children.  Validation that we did everything right.  That we didn't "mess up", so to speak.  I have to tell you that no validation, from peers, even comes close to that of hearing it from your own child.  When I was diagnosed, I worried so much.  Worried that my children would suffer.  Paul and I did everything in our power to keep them as unaffected by it as possible.  If truth be told, a tiny part of me thought maybe Dustin joined the Army to get away from it.  Although, he has always wanted to join the Army, I thought maybe he had also seen it as a ticket out.  That wasn't the case, at all.  He joined for many reasons, but one was because Paul and I have always encouraged the kids to follow their dreams.  We also always taught never to take things for granted.  Not friends, family, just life in general.  He proved in this letter that he is so grateful.  He has never been good at expressing his feelings.  He has always been a boy of few words.  I think many teenage boys are (or full grown men, for that matter).  As I read the letter, the tears started falling.  In fact, Shelby made the comment to Paul, "She made it two days."  Ha!  Then when Dylan read it, he stated, "Yup, that made mom cry."  That is just a testament to how this past 8-10 weeks as been.  But all those tears and worries were validated by my sons, almost 4 page, letter today.

I have learned that the Army doesn't just change the soldier, it changes the entire family, as well.  The family bonds become closer and stronger.  I have often heard people make the comment, "It's too bad you can't pick your family members."  I think to myself, would these people think differently if they didn't have any family?  I, along with other Army Moms, have been writing encouraging letters and cards to some of the soldiers in training that have no family to support them.  I could not imagine what it would be like to go through something like BCT without the love and support that one needs.  Some have wrote back and stated what a blessing it has been to them.  What they don't understand, is that it is just as much a blessing for me, as it is them.  It has brought me closer to the other Army moms, to the soldiers, and to my son.  Money can't buy the type of happiness these precious gifts have brought me.  the Lord works in the most peculiar ways sometimes.  In the beginning, it was just about Dustin joining the Army and how I was going to deal with it.  Has time as gone on, I see that God's plan wasn't just for Dustin to grow, but for this Army Mom to grow, as well.  It helped me realize, that no matter the obstacles or disabilities, a person can make difference in someone's life.  It has also shown me that, if you open yourself up to it, others can make a difference in your life.  I was scared of my pending disability.  Now, I accept it and know that it doesn't mean that I can't still live a productive rewarding life.  It doesn't define me as a person, and certainly not as a mother. 

So, the next two weeks are going to be crazy in the Crowl household.  First of all, we got the house we have been waiting on for like four months.  We sign papers and , hopefully, get the keys on Friday afternoon.  I can't tell you how happy and reassuring it is for me.  However, I will be on pins and needles till it is done and those keys are in my hands.  It gives us approximately 8 weeks to get everything settled and plan for Dustin to come home on leave.  On the 15th of this month, Paul or I will be headed to Oklahoma to see our son graduate from BCT.  I was planning on going, but given my body's unfortunate timing, am not sure if I can get the time off to go.  So, Paul will go in my place.  It is sad, but a reality that can't be avoided.  Besides that, Paul deserves to be there just as much as I do.  What a proud moment for him to be able and see his son graduate from BCT.  There is school starting soon, Football starting, Shelby's Senior pictures to get scheduled, and Dustin's Journey to run.  So, we will be anything but bored.  I am sure it will be crazy, but we will get through it.  You have all been so supportive and given so much of yourselves to our family.  Some have even volunteered to sponsor soldiers through Dustin's Journey.  I could never tell you what this means to me, to other Army moms and soldiers, and to Dustin.  Just when I think this little town could not possibly show anymore love and kindness, you prove me wrong.  You are all so wonderful.  You see, Dustin and I have seen more then ourselves grow through this process.  We have seen our community grow.  We have seen you all show, not just us, but soldiers and families thousands of miles away how a small town can make a difference.  You have given so much of yourselves, I could never repay it.  Paul and I are proud of our son, but we are proud of where we come from, as well.  there isn't any love like that of community.  Because in the end, they are your family.  much love and many blessings!!!                                    

Reaching Back...

Well, it has been a very long week.  I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster that has taken place in this house.  First, we had a house, then we didn't.  Then we had a house, again.  Now we are just waiting to close on Friday.  Paul and I are trying not to get too excited due to everything we have been through.  So, come next Friday, when the papers are signed and the keys are in my hand...I will rejoice.  I hadn't received a letter from Dustin all week.  I didn't really expect to with him being in sick bay.  But today, not only did we receive a letter from him, but from a young gentleman who we sent a care package to.  I can not tell you the excitement and the sheer feeling of contentment that overtook me.  It is amazing that such a small act of kindness can develop into so much more.  The soldiers letter was short.  He simply stated that he was grateful and that I didn't have to send him anything.  He must have spoken to Dustin, because he sated he knew I would anyway.  the most touching part of this whole thing was the picture he added to the letter for Dylan.  It was drawn in pen.  Talk about making a fourteen year old boys day.  Just last night, Dylan yelled out in his sleep, "Shelby, Dustin called."  In his sleep!  Poor kid misses his brother so much.  As far as I am concerned, that care package was worth everything to see the smile on my boys face.  The soldier simply thanked me, but what he doesn't realize is that, I am the one who should be doing the thanking.  Since this whole thing has started, I have learned so much.  Not just about the other soldiers and their families, but myself, as well.  It is amazing what happens to a person when they open their heart and their mind to giving.  This was so apparent as the day went on.  Post after post from other Army Moms with soldiers in Fort Sill indicated that I was not the only one who got my thank you today.  All I can say is these young men and women are so incredible.  When I set out to write them all, I did it just to say thank you.  I wanted them to know that someone cared.  I did not expect anything in return.  Neither did any of the other mothers.  However, many of the soldiers have done that, and then some.  They have sent letters thanking us.  You see, it isn't about the thank you.  Not for us.  It is about the fact that many of them are starting to see that they matter to someone.  It's about them reaching back.  It's about them letting us know that we are making a difference.  I remember telling my husband and my family that if I only made one soldier smile, out of all those letters, I would be happy.  That was enough for me to keep doing it.  That is all I wanted...to brighten a soldiers day.  What I didn't expect was the emotions it brought out in me.  I went from feeling like a helpless Army Mom, with nothing but sadness, to appreciated and valued.  More then anything, I have a purpose.  Much like my son's purpose is to protect and serve this country.  My duty is to protect and serve those that do just that.  It is what we military families do.  Because in the end, that is what we are.  We are one big, supportive, awesome family.  I have managed to find sponsors for 12 soldiers through Dustin's Journey.  Each match I make is like a special gift I have been blessed with.  It isn't much, and Dustin's Journey has a long way to go, but it is a start.  I hope the start to something great.  I never want a soldier to feel as if they sacrificed themselves for nothing.  That they had no one to get them through their darkest times.  If anything ever happens to me, I need to know that someone has my soldiers back.  It's a big job, but it is worth the challenge.  We all need someone. 

Dustin's letter was short, as they mostly are.  He sounds very excited about graduating.  He has come so far in such a short period of time.  Paul and I are so proud of him.  He is doing what most won't.  More then that, he is loving every minute of it.  He will do great things.  He will do them with great people by his side.  They will all have a supportive family to stand behind them and say, "I got your back."  Nothing means more to an Army Mom then that.  In two weeks, we will be standing there watching, as the kids we sent far from home, march as grown men and women.  They will march with pride, honor, and a sense of accomplishment.  They are no longer children.  They are the men and women that make up the U.S Army.  They are our sense of pride, love, and accomplishment.  We gladly give them to you.  All we ask is that you take care of them, the way they are taking care of you!  Much love and many blessings!               

Time To Think...

Another night, another long night.  The truth is this is one of the hardest nights that I have had in a while.  It isn't like they haven't been bad before.  But, for some reason, tonight is different.  Maybe it is the stress of being sick, the new house (that just seems to be on obstacle after another), Dustin being gone and keeping so many things from him, Bella getting worse, and on and on.  I often wonder, how much does it take a person before they snap in half.  I just keep telling myself that God must think I have broad shoulders.  The truth is, I think He has more confidence in me, right now, then I have in myself.  We are less then three weeks away from him graduating from BCT and a part of me is so excited.  Another part is so worried.  It is one step closer to being done with the "training" portion.  But it is also one step away from being out in the "real world".  I look at the pictures and videos of them training and in some aspect...sure, it's cool.  However, it is a constant reminder of whats to come and the reason he is there.  I have thought many times, about a year from now, two years from now, etc..  Instead of calling Sunday, Dustin called Saturday night.  He said he was calling from sick bay, and my heart nearly fell to my feet.  If it wouldn't have been that it was his voice phone on the other end, I probably would have lost it.  It was a bit overwhelming at first.  He, apparently, got his retina cut from a metal pole.  Due to all the pink eye going around, they stuck him in sick bay.  He has been there a couple of days, and should be out by Monday.  I could tell it was hard for him.  All that down time, for a boy who doesn't sit still well, can be a downfall.  they are not allowed to get mail, write, or any of that in sick bay.  Which made me feel a little better about not getting much mail.  This past week has been very hard.  I thought that not getting a call Sunday would be okay.  Actually, it was harder then I thought.  What kept me going was being able to cheer on fellow Army Mom's as they were getting calls.  I adore all of them, and it did my heart good to see how happy it made them all.  the one good thing in all this...Blue Phase.  the final of three.  It means longer phone calls and graduation is around the corner.

Dustin is not the only one who has had time to think.  I, myself, have done some soul searching.  I am still trying to figure out how to get this Adopt A Soldier program going.  I am thinking that it is best to start out trying to get volunteers to write letters.  I picked up some more boxes from the post office this week.  I would like to send 7 more by the middle of next week.  But need to find a way to afford all the contents and postage.  So, if any have ideas, I am open to them.  It also dawned on me that Dustin has no idea about any of this, along with many other things.  I am still finding out that, even with him being in the Army, he is still young.  I worry about some of the choices he has made for himself and hope that he will come around.  While I am not always thrilled with the choices he makes, I still support him.  Heck!  the boy is 18...what else do you do?  More then that, he is my son.  He is such a good kid, with a big heart.  An easy target for some.  Sure the uniform is cool, but it isn't just an uniform.  It's a lifestyle.  I sit and look at all of the pictures of his friends on Facebook, enjoying their summer.  I wish he had been able to have more time for all that.  They are all going to mud bogs, parties, and vacations.  He is learning how to launch grenades, deal with chemical warfare, and shot an M-16.  There are still many who don't get it.  It is not their fault.  They have limited experience with Military life.  It makes it very hard.  There are very few people to lean on.  The people you think will be there for you aren't.  The ones you never thought in a million years would be, are.  This goes for the soldiers and the families. 

One thing that has gotten me through, time and time again, is my faith in God.  He has taught me so much through this process.  He has taught me that the smallest blessings can be your greatest.  He has taught me that, no matter how far, friends will come into your life to help see you through.  I have learned that there are people who actually want to make a difference in this world.  Even if it is one soldier at a time.  He has taught me that family is more then blood.  Family are your friends, the town in which you live, even complete strangers a thousand miles away.  Finally, he has taught me that He has it all under control.  It is me who has to be willing to give it to Him.  To be honest, I don't know if Dustin will ever read any of this.  I don't even know if my husband and my other two kids read any of it, let alone anyone else.  Don't know if they would be proud of it, or embarrassed by it.  All I know is that I am compelled to let others know they are not alone.  Helping soldiers and their families, has become very important to me.  It is what helps me feel better, when times get rough, and feel closer to Dustin.  It is something I hope my family and friends can be proud of.  Although they are young, I hope that the three kids and husband can understand it and see the difference I can make in others lives.  I hope they see how blessed I am by it all.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in praising them for all the good things, we forget that we need praise, ourselves.  We moms are funny creatures.  We are so good at building everyone else up.  Yet, so bad at giving ourselves credit.  We are good at hiding our fears, making everything look so easy (even when it isn't), and keeping everything running smoothly.  When in reality, we cry behind closed doors, constantly pray for guidance, and our minds are a jumbled mess.  Much love and many blessings!!!                         

Inspiration...

I'm back!!!  Ya'll didn't think I'd let a little thing like a hospital stay keep me away, did ya?  Well, it didn't.  Ha!  Came home today to a letter to top all things off.  It absolutely made my day.  Dustin didn't say much that he hadn't already said on the phone.  But he did say that if he would have named his gun, he would have named it "Black Beauty".  Ha!  I have stated before, the boy loves his guns.  A lot!  We have noticed a trend with his letters.  They usually come on Thursdays and Fridays.  Maybe, that was why I was so determined to get home today.  That and the fact that I am way more comfortable here then in any hospital room.  Ha!  It also turns out that there more positives to being stuck by yourself in a room to do nothing but think.  Boy!  Did I do a lot of that!  Tuesday night proved to be a bit challenging.  All I kept doing was worrying about whether he would find out if I was in the hospital before I could get home.  I knew that if I could get home and be on the rebound, he wouldn't want to stop and come home to see me.  You see, if he would have done that, it would have effected his graduation date.  There is no way on God's little green earth I was going to let that happen.  He has worked way to hard and long for that.  We promised him that things at home would be taken care of and that all he needed to do was take care of him and business at hand.  The idea was for him to keep a clear head.  Nothing is more important then that right now.  The other thing I got to thinking about was this blog, and what I want to accomplish with it.  It has become abundantly clear that many of our soldiers are, for whatever reason, in need of encouragement and support.  Many of them do not have families and friends writing them or sending them care packages.  The circumstances are not important.  What is important is that they should feel that someone cares and appreciates what they are doing.  This thought came to me as I opened my hospital room window and noticed that there was a flag waving in the courtyard.  I started thinking...how many have shed blood, sweat, and tears for that flag?  How many have sacrificed time with their families and friends?  How many gave of themselves with no one to care in return?  Dustin was one of the lucky few.  He not only had the support of friends and family, he had a whole town to support him.  A day or two before my unplanned trip to the other side of health care, I had made an announcement that I was thinking of turning Dustin's Journey into an adopt a soldier program.  Now, I know that there are other programs out there, but would one more hurt.  I mean, let's face it, there are a lot of soldiers out there.  Soldiers with loved ones supporting them and soldiers without it.  I would send all of them care packages, letters, and cards if I could.  The truth is I can not afford it and just plain don't have the ability to do it on my own.  So I find myself in a David and Goliath type of situation.  This blog is my sling shot.  So after long conversations with my husband, family, friends, and others with loved ones who have served...I have decided that this sling shot is going into action.  Now, I have much to think about, details to take care of, and most of all, need to get into a state of healthfulness that will allow me to do this.  It is a big undertaking.  But one that I am more then willing to conquer.  I know that there are many with big hearts willing to help.  The key is keeping it organized and running it smoothly.  I want people to know that they are welcome to just write letters and send cards, or send care packages.  The goal is to have as many soldiers as possible "feel the love".  If there is one thing I have learned through all this, and from talking to others, is that soldiers love getting mail.  A lot!!!!

 I never planned for my life to go in this direction.  I always wanted to be a nurse.  I thought that I would be able to love and care for patients, one on one, for my entire life.  Over the course of the last five years it has become abundantly clear that I am not physically able to do so in the manner that I once did.  It has been a very hard pill to swallow.  At times, it completely shattered my heart to think about it.  It wasn't until my son decided to join the Army that I was able to see the bigger picture.  I am not ashamed to say that I learn just as much from my children as they do from me.  In fact, I am proud of it.  I watched the way Dustin just went into this whole hearted.  I watched as many in this small wonderful town embraced him and our family.  All the while, I was thinking what is God trying to tell me?  What is the purpose for all of this?  How do I even begin to payback all of this wonderful kindness.  I am not expecting to touch thousands of soldiers like bigger organizations.  (At least, not at first).  But what I am trying to do is to let at least one amazing soldier (and they all are amazing) know that he is not alone.  That someone stands behind what he is fighting for.  Just like this town has done for my son.  I do not take what Dustin and the other soldiers are doing lightly.  They work hard and get very little in return.  Not to mention the occasional critic, who likes to turn political spins on the advantages and disadvantages of becoming a soldier.  No matter the individuals reason for becoming a soldier, it is a personal choice and sacrifice someone is making to give us the right to live the life that we do.  That, in my opinion, is something to show appreciation for.  We need to show it to them and their families.  If they don't have families, we need to be their family.  We are one nation, under god.  No matter how hard people try, God will always be a part of what we stand for and who service members and their families look up to for strength.  there is not a soul who has read this blog, and not seen how hard this has been on me.  I chose to share my experience to let others know they are not alone.  I have found much healing and support.  I have made friends with people thousands of miles away that I could never imagine living without now.  It has blessed me in ways I could never explain.  It has shown me that my son will always be supported and appreciated.  That the decision that he made was not only right for him, but means something to someone else.  I have always said he will be an amazing soldier.  I do not take all the credit for that, you all know that.  Everyday it is abundantly clear that Dylan and Shelby are following in his footsteps.  They are just as amazing as he is.  I have stated before that I write these words in honor of my dad and my son, and that I do so that my son will not become one of the forgotten.  I still stand by that statement.  Only now, I say let none of them be forgotten.  Let all of them have a name on that Red Cross card of someone that cares.  Let all of them have someone to pray for them and cheer them on.  It takes so little time and effort to make a soldier feel important.  A piece of paper, a pen, an envelope, a postage stamp, and a thank you.  That is all it takes to make a difference.  As I work out the details and get things going I will be updating you.  As I stated, there is much to be done.  First thing is first, I need to get better.  Please know that the love and support you have not only shown my son, but for me as well, is so greatly appreciated.  I have more blessings then I can count.  You are all a part of my family now.  Never let someone tell you that your physical ability can limit you to the difference you can make in ones life.  I refuse to let my disability define who I am and what I can accomplish.  It has taken me a long time to see that.  It has taken an 18 year old son, who has become my hero to open my eyes.  It is true what they say...not all hero's wear capes.  Much love and many blessings!!!!!!!                    

Army Mom Thoughts...

Well, the phone call came today.  This time it was just before 3pm.  I hadn't expected it that early.  The trend has been for him to call around 6pm.  It was so funny.  The phone rang and Shelby went to check the caller I.D. and just about jumped out of her skin.  She was so excited she couldn't even say anything.  All she could do was shake her hands and hand me the phone to answer it.  Ha!  If you could have seen her face.  It was priceless!  I answered the phone and there he was.  His voice sounded so good.  It is easy to tell he is happy.  Once he started talking, he just kept talking.  Ha!  That is what he does when he is excited.  It is also how I know he is doing so well.  He did say that he got expert for his grenade throwing.  He was disappointed with his shooting but did qualify.  He said it is definitely different shooting at moving targets.  I bet...is all I could think.  He went to say that he was very, very excited about AIT.  I can't tell you how much it eases me to know that he is doing so well and absolutely loving it.  He sounded so grown up.  He thanked everyone who has written him.  He loves getting mail.  He did get more time this week to talk.  But I could hear the Drill Instructor come in and say time was up.  Quickly told him I love him and let him go, as to not get him into any trouble.  He had told me that the only health issues he has had were due to his allergies.  Apparently, he went and got checked out an they gave him the proper meds and is fine now.  I am so glad that is all he has had problems with.  Pneumonia and pink eye seem to be going around quite a bit.

Today's phone call was so great.  However, I found myself in a state of limbo.  I felt caught between depression and excitement.  It is so hard to be encouraging and supportive on that phone, and so easy at the same time.  Hard because you want to reach through that phone and just grab them.  You want to throw your arms around them and never let then go.  Easy because they are your child and you want nothing but the best and success for them.  Someone made a comment earlier that I had no clue as far as how much talking to him helped.  At first, I have to say that it upset me very much.  Trust me...no one knows more then I do.  Then I quickly reminded myself that this is another one of those stupid sayings people just blurt out without thinking about what they are saying and how it effects you.  (Which reminds me, I have to work on that list of things you should never say to an Army mom for this blog.  Ha!)  Believe me, Army moms have more then just a clue.  We live it every single day, night, and minute.  There is not a time that goes by that we do not worry.  We raised these soldiers into the men and women the have become.  We not only "have a clue", we are the ones who have to pick up the pieces when something happens.  Not just the pieces of not doing well in BCT.  Oh no!!!  The pieces when they loss a friend in the line of duty.  We are the ones who have to take care of their families when they are deployed.  The ones who take care of them if they are ever hurt.  We sweep up the pieces when one of their friends, wife, or girlfriends breaks their heart because they decide they can't handle the lifestyle and decide to leave them while they are off on some mountain side somewhere fighting to stay alive.  This is real life, not pretend.  Sometimes, I think it is hard for others to remember that.  They are so caught up in the "coolness" of his job or that he wears an Army uniform.  It is hard for them to see the reality.   This is my sons life, and ours.  It is dangerous, worrisome, and full of uncertainty.  Yes, we are proud.  However, it is I and his father, who have to pick up the pieces if (God forbid) something ever happens to him.  Then we have to try and find a way to carry on without him.  Trust me there is nothing that will keep that out of the back of any Military parents/spouses mind.  As I stated, I am sure the comment was not intended to cause any upsetting emotions.  It just shows the type of things that run through an Army moms head when simple little comments are made and at the wrong time.  I felt really bad for being upset by it.  Dustin would have told me not to worry about it.  He has always been able to just let things roll of his back like they are nothing.  He did not get that from me, by the way.

Many of the soldiers seem to be doing well.  It has added ease to many of us mothers.  I think that we are able to fill our time with writing some of the other soldiers as helped so much.  It makes us all feel so good.  Not only that, it has brought us all closer.  I can remember my mom doing things like throwing parties, buying gifts, and making dinner for many of the soldiers my dad worked with when we were stationed away from home.  Sometimes, you are the only form of family they have.  It is a different kind of family bond that is formed.  Many of these relationships go on for years.  I know, now, why she enjoyed it so much.  The feeling it gives you is unexplainable.  It is a blessing to be able to do it.  More people should.  Much love and many blessings!!!!!                    

Something Different...

Well, what started out being a really rotten week, ended up being pretty darn good.  We got another letter today from Dustin.  It was a very unexpected surprise.  I think that he is out to prove me wrong about the not writing home thing.  Ha!  That is fine.  I will let him try his hardest!  Ha!  This letter was a bit longer then the last two.  He mailed it on the 17th.  So, the mail is moving faster.  He passed his second physical fitness test with flying colors.  He was so excited because he beat his last two mile run by like "2, if not 3" minutes.  This tells me so much.  Dustin made working out a part of his life, long before he joined the Army.  He was already in great shape when he left.  So, I know he is still as serious about it has he always was.  He did say that, surprisingly, they had quite a bit of free time.  I think this is partial because Dustin could never sit still.  He was always outside doing stuff, or running the roads.  Ha!!  He misses Dylan and Shelby so much.  He told Shelby that, as soon as he got home, she could start baking.  Dustin was always a sucker for cookies.  Especially homemade cookies.  He said he is doing really well and is very happy.  This brings my mind to ease a bit.  I know that many of the soldiers in training have been having a challenging time.  I am sure Dustin has had his.  But he has managed to keep his spirits up.  He mentioned that many of his friends had received the cards I sent.  He thanked me for them.  It made me feel so good.  Not just for them, but that it helps me feel closer to him.  It is like having a piece of me there.  I always want him to feel that I am there with him.  Maybe not physically, but in spirit.  I know he is missing home a little.  He brought up how much he missed falling asleep in the chair, at night, while the two of us listened to music.  Since I have almost always worked midnights, I have done my housework at night.  If the two younger kids were gone, Dustin and I would put on a little music.  We share a passion for hard rock and heavy metal.  Sometimes, we would put on a little Contemporary Christian music (another favorite we share).  I would clean the kitchen and he would sit while we visited and caught up with everything.  I miss those nights, too.  I miss them very much.  Those talks would go on for hours.  I have always had a very open relationship with my kids.  We both learned so much about each other on those nights.  Oh my goodness!  When I think of the laughs we shared, it makes my gut aches.  Ha!!!  This picture was taken, during one of those nights, about two weeks before he left.

This time it was more then a letter.  There was something different in the words and how it was written.  It made me realize a couple of things.  The first thing is that my little boy has grown into a man.  There were some things of a private nature that concerned me before he left.  I have to say that he put some of them to rest in this letter.  He showed that his priorities have changed and that, although still carefree, he is starting to think things through better before he makes his decisions.  Am I still worried?  Well, of course I am.  I am his mother.  That is my job.  Let's be honest.  When it comes to our children, nothing is ever good enough.  Not any school, job, or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Especially, if those things give us reason to be concerned.  However, my children know that, although I may not always be happy with their decisions, I will always stand behind and be there for them.  They are my children, and they are always my first priority.  If those decisions workout for them.  That's great.  If not, I always explain to them how important it is learn from them.  Today's letter also showed me that all those small memories (along with the big one) are just as special and important to him as they are me.  This is, as they say, reaping the benefits of what you sow.  All the Drill Sergeants in the world can't take those out of a soldiers mind.  When it comes right down to it, it is what gets him through the rough moments.  Just like it does me.  I hang on to those moments.  They are precious beyond believe.  They also comfort me and see me through the same rough times.  I take comfort in knowing that he will have them with him no matter what.  Whether he is stuck in the barracks waiting for the phone to ring, or on a mountainside somewhere in some foreign country oceans away.  They are memories only a parent can give a child, and vice versa.  The tears that fall from my eyes, while remembering them, are not just tears of sadness.  They represent joy, love, and countless other emotions.  Someday, he will share them with his children, as well as make his own. 

Today also brought more good news.  It looks like we are going to get a phone call tomorrow.  Not sure what time, as usual.  Sundays have turned into the one a day everyone makes it a point to be home.  I don't even have to bribe them any!  Ha!  Dylan and Shelby simply tell their friends that they want to be home for Dustin's call.  No one questions it or pressures them.  They have wonderful friends.  Paul and I are so grateful.  They have helped the kids so much.  Let's face it, sometimes you just need a friend.  Mom and dad are just not the same.  A lot to go through, I know, for a 7 minute phone call.  But no amount of money or gold in the world would be worth missing it for.  We will all spend the day watching TV, being on the computer, and enjoying each others company while we wait.  I know that I am not the only mom that will be waiting.  I am sure that I will connect with a few others throughout the day.  They are all just as excited as I am.  Much love and many blessings!!!                            

Something Familiar...

I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy to see this week come to an end.  It has been a long one.  I was certain when the phone call didn't come on Sunday, that we wouldn't hear anything from Dustin until this weekend, at the earliest.  Then, Thursday there they were in the mailbox.  Not one, but two letters.  It was definitely just thing I needed.  I send him, on average, three or four letters a week.  His average has been two.  I just didn't really expect to get them on the same day.  His letters sounded so good.  With every letter, I can tell just how happy he is with his decision.  In one of the letters, he had mentioned that he got to meet the Secretary of Defense.  He was so excited.  For a teenage boy, who has always wanted to be a soldier, meeting the Secretary of Defense is a big deal.  He also included a song that him and his "buddies" made up.  It doesn't sound like much.  But it put my mind at ease a bit.  It showed that he is making friendships that are helping him to deal with getting through this time.  He sent a list of items for me to send.  Some might ask...why doesn't hen just buy what he needs?  The fact is, if it is sent from home, it is more then just soap or shampoo.  It is a piece of home.  Something familiar, that he does not have in Fort Sill.  The crazy thing is, it has a similar effect on me.  It is something that I can do.  Something that I know he needs.  One thing less for him to worry about, and one thing more for me to take off his mind.  When they are with us, we provide the essentials and don't think about it.  We cook for them meals, do they're laundry, and pick up after them.  Sometimes, we even complain about it.  All the while, we never think about what it would be like if they aren't here.  When Dustin was little, he wanted mom to do everything for him.  He wouldn't even let Paul put his shoes on.  He would grab his shoes, jump on the couch, and say, "Momma do!"  There were times I would wish and pray he would let daddy do it for a change.  I miss those days.  Looking back, I would have cherished them even more.  I sit in this quiet house and reminisce about those days, and think what I wouldn't give to hear his voice say, "Momma do", again.   So, if laundry soap, cough drops, etc. is what he wants Momma to do for him, then Momma is going to do it.  And I am going to enjoy every bit of it.

As of today, it is four weeks until he graduates BCT.  Some of my sadness has been replaced with excitement. I can't imagine what it is going to be like to see him again.  I try to prepare my self for it.  I wonder how much his mannerisms have changed, his looks, and his overall self.  He has always been so laid back.  It is hard to think of him any other way.  He used to tell me I needed to loosen up.  He always thought I was too much of a worry-wart and a control freak.  He's right.  I am both.  But I would never let him hear me say it out loud.  Ha!  The truth is that he is not the only one who has been doing some changing.  I have found myself taking more time out for the kids and Paul.  I tend to pay more attention when they speak, instead of just shaking my head and carrying on with whatever chore I am doing at the time.  And there are still bad moments and days.  However, now I can tell myself that I will be on my way to see him soon.  I can sense the excitement about it in his letters.  I wish I could afford for Paul and the kids to be there, too.  I just can't with all the things we have going on.  But I do feel blessed that I am, at least, able to go.  He only has six weeks of AIT, and then he will (hopefully) be able to come home.  Paul and I are planning on putting Christmas decorations up and having a Christmas celebration for him, when he comes home.  He probably will not be able to be here in December, so we thought this would be a nice surprise for him at the end of September or beginning of October.  The neighbors might think we are crazy.  But I am sure when they find out what it is all for, they will understand.  I absolutely love Christmas.  The kids have often teased me that it looks like Christmas has went crazy in our house.  But it is another something that is familiar to him, and a chance to celebrate our first Christmas as a family in a new house (if we ever get there).  The hard part will be letting him go again.  As I have stated before, this journey is just getting started.  Paul and I are finding that we have to constantly remind others and ourselves of that fact.  It isn't easy, but it is the way it is.  It is a constant cycle.  They are home and you enjoy having them.  Then they are gone again and the worry and missing them starts all over.  This is how relationships and friendships are challenged for both the soldier and loved ones.  On the other hand, it is also what makes them stronger.  I pray that those close to Dustin understand all this.  I hope they understand that, just because he isn't here, he still thinks about and cares about them.  I also hope the feelings go both ways.  The support that Dustin and our family has received has been so amazing.  We have definitely been very blessed by all of it.  We thank you all from them bottom of our hearts.  We know that, when he comes home, he will be so proud and so grateful.  He loves this town and all the people in it so much.  It is a part of who he is.  It is going to be a joyous occasion, for sure.  Much love and many blessings!!!!!                           

The Power...

There are no words, right now, to describe the thoughts that are running through my mind.  Again, I got up this morning, checked the mail, and was overcome by huge wave of disappointment.  It would be easy for me to sit here and tell you that I am okay with this.  The truth is...I'm not.  I know that Dustin is working hard.  From everything I have been able to piece together, it has not been an easy week and a half for him or any of the others he is with.  My frustrations are not him (well, maybe a little) as much as it is the entire situation.  I tend to be a bit of a control freak.  I hate that I have absolutely no control over any of it.  Most of all, I hate that I have no control over my feelings.  One minute, I am happy as a lark.  The next minute, I am brought to tears and can't stop them from coming.  Any military mom will tell you she experiences this.  When you hear from them, you are so excited and can't wait to tell anybody who will listen.  However, when you are the one sitting and waiting for that call or that letter, deep inside your heart is breaking piece by piece.  You tell yourself and play every possible scenario you can think of.  He is busy and working hard.  The mail is just running slow.  But nothing soothes the sting that you feel in your stomach.  You find yourself searching through any information you can.  You pray that one of the mothers that has heard from her soldier tells a story or gives a name to put your mind at ease.  Then, as you read and feel so much joy and appreciation that they have heard from their loved one...you feel worse and worse that you haven't heard anything.  It's not that you aren't completely overjoyed that they have some comfort and piece of mind for themselves.  It is that you have no idea what is going on with your own.  Are they having a hard time?  What are they thinking?  Why aren't they writing more?  How am I going to get through this?  It takes you over.  Then, just when you think that this is it.  This is the moment I am going to break.  I am not this strong.  Lord, I need you more then I ever have.  You look up, and there it is.  That smile in a picture taken to celebrate his Senior year.  You turn around and there is the picture taken as he took his first steps.  Slowly, you start to pull yourself together.  You take a deep breath and tell yourself..."I am this strong.  I can do this.  I will do this."  And this is not a one time deal.  You go through this on a daily basis.  It is not only the power of God that brings us through.  It is the power of motherhood.  It has often been said that there is no love like that of a mom for her child.  I would have to agree.  We worry about everything.  School, health, girl/boyfriends, and just about everything else under the sun.  Yet, through the concern we grow strength.  The kind of strength that is unexplainable.  It is a precious gift. 

It is that love that produced this blog before Dustin left.  It is that love that helps me keep it going.  It is that love that brought me to writing all those notes to soldiers in Dustin's Battery.  It is that love that brought many others to do the same.  I have watched as this love has not only brought people together, but has also produced a healing among them.  Within that healing strong friendships are being formed,  hope is born, and love is returned.  We don't have to explain our feelings to each other.  We know what the other is feeling because we live it.  It is explaining it to others that is hard. So, rather then try, we put smiles on our faces and go about the business at hand.  We keep the one place that we know they all can't wait to get back to running smoothly.  That is home because there is no place like it.  Much love and many blessings!!!             

A Reality Check!!!

Through this process, I have managed to be as positive as possible.  A couple of weeks ago it starting getting harder.  Then that phone call came last week.  It was just what I needed to keep my spirits up.  The prospect of another phone call this Sunday had me sailing through the week.  I was so excited.  One letter last week was all that we received.  But I had convinced myself that we would hear Dustin's voice today.  So, one letter was okay.  I had managed to write Dustin three letters last week and mentioned for him to remind his friends to write home.  I told him...All they have to do is write two sentences.  "I am doing okay.  I love you."  Something that simple would bring the spirits of an Army Mom up.  Then, as I sat here reading my News feed on Face book, there it was.  The words tore through my heart like a bolt of lightening.  I think I actually read it ten times before I could actually say it out loud.  "There will be no phone call today."  Yup!  No matter how many times you read it, it feels the same over and over again.  To be honest, I had no words to describe what I was feeling at that moment.  Disappointment, frustration, anger.  Not any one word seemed appropriate.  The tears started coming.  My husband, always the constant rock, held me and just let them come.  Let's be honest.  I knew that this was a possibility.  Dustin, as stated before, had expressed thoughts and frustration at some of the lack of discipline being displayed by some of the other soldiers.  I just wasn't quite prepared for the effect it would have on me.  One of the first questions to cross your mind is  "Who screwed up?"  However, I got to thinking about it.  Does it matter?  Yes, it is frustrating that there are those that seem to take this process a little less serious then others.  But in the long run, they are a "Team".  If one fails...they all fail.  It is very, very hard to admit this to yourself.  Especially, when you have a child that seems to be doing so well with everything else.  Then, has to pay the price for someone else's mistakes.  But the truth of the matter is that this is what BCT is all about.  Better they learn this now, then the hard way.  Does it tear my heart to shreds?  Most definitely!!!  Like you will never know.  So, I sit and I write, yet, another letter.  I encourage my son to be a leader in his behavior and to be encouraging to all the other soldiers.  Because someday, one of them may mean the difference between my son coming home and my son never coming home again.  It is harsh and not pretty.  But it is the reality that we Military families and our soldiers face.  So, I pick up my head and hold it high.  I carry on knowing that he is learning very valuable lessons.  I also carry on for the wonderful family I have at home.  If I am down...they are down.  If I am positive...they are positive. 

A very bad week has taught me so much.  I had only planned on sending cards to a few names on the list of soldiers that I had.  However, by the time I was through, I had made it through the whole list.  Others have followed the same example and I can not tell you how much this means to me.  Some might think it is crazy to send things to complete strangers.  What will people think?  What do I say?  the point is...does it matter?  Really, we make fools of ourselves on a daily basis and don't think anything about it.  Yelling our heads off at sporting games or rushing to get through a line in the store.  Yet, when it comes to our kids we all of a sudden worry about what people will think.  I am just as guilty.  The question should be more... how far are you willing to go?  How much of a fool are you willing to be to show men and women who have chosen to put their lives on the line for our freedoms?  How far are you willing to go for your child?  Are you willing to step outside of yourself to encourage the person who may, someday, hold your child's life in the palm of their hands?  It is a big question.  It is a tough question.  It is an important question.  I come to know these women a little more everyday.  I am both blessed and amazed at the generosity and support.  It is the hardest thing in the world to know that your child is willing to give so much.  All the while, in the back of our minds, we know it could cost us them.  This is our life.  this is why every phone call is so important.  When you only have a 7 minute phone call, you say what really matters.  You hang onto every second like it was a precious treasure you had just been entrusted with.  It is why we race to the mailbox every blasted day of the week.  It is why we sit and write 40 plus cards out, no matter how much it hurts, to complete strangers.  It is not for us.  It is for our children and loved ones.  We never want to have to face the day we regretted that we didn't do it.  We never want to have to say "I should have done..." or "I should have said...".  We are truly grateful for all they do.  Trust me...no one is any more grateful then they are. Much love and many blessings!!!!

Finding Comfort...

Well, no letter, again today.  I'd like to say that I am okay with it.  However, it leaves a sort of emptiness deep inside.  You want to tell yourself that it is okay.  You tell yourself, "They are working hard.  Probably don't have time to write."  There is this part of you, however, that is uneasy about it.  You hope that those are the reasons.  Then your mind starts to wonder other things.  Is he doing okay?  How bad is he missing home?  Is he healthy and able to tolerate the heat?  You see, it is the not knowing that leaves the emptiness.  It's not like you can look at them to try and read what is going on in their minds or physically.  Sure, this is the Army.  I have stated before that it isn't like summer camp.  But the truth of the matter is...they are still our children.  We worry.  And when they aren't with us.  We worry even more.  The differentiating factor, in this whole situation, is that they chose to be soldiers.  A proud, honest, courageous profession.  But it comes with its own set of rules, guidelines, and dangers.  Even the "kids" that have to finish high school won't come back "kids" anymore.  I have done much soul searching in the past few weeks.  I have decided that I have got to find some way of coping with this all.  Let's face it.  It doesn't end after he graduates from AIT.  So, I did what I always do.  Took it to God.  I decided it was time for mom to practice what she preached.  I have always found comfort in my faith.  Between all the changes at home, my health, and just plain sorrow...I could not bring myself to ask the tough questions.  How would God want me to handle this?  How can I do what he is asking of me when I can't even function from day to day?  How can I bring my son (and family) the kind of honor he (and his fellow soldiers) deserve?  Let's face it "keeping busy", isn't enough. The answer is starting to show itself.  I sat down last night and opened  a list of names.  These names are those of the men and women who are with Dustin in Fort Sill.  I got to thinking.  Why should I just send a card to a few?  Why shouldn't they all get cards?  Aren't they all making the same sacrifices, working just as hard, and just as deserving as he is?  So, I started at the top, and am still working my way down.  I feel that they have more then earned this simple act of kindness, as well as their families.  I have spoken with many of these amazing women.  It's funny how special and precious relationships can become with people who you have never met.  All we had in common to start with was a longing and missing of our loved ones.  Friendships are being formed, that I hope will last long after BCT is over.  I am truly blessed by these women everyday.  I am finding healing and comfort, along with a sense of purpose, with every card.  The truth is that no amount of crying, wallowing in sorrow, or dwelling on the situation will make anyone feel better.  It isn't until you get up and put that energy into something productive that it starts to turn itself around.  God helps those, who help themselves...so to speak.  But I have to tell you, the effect it has on you is amazing.  Sure I tear up, but the tears are different.  They are tears of compassion, gratefulness, and pride.  I mean, this goes way beyond the college roommate friendship.  These are special bonds that, we as civilians, will never understand.  They call it a brotherhood.  It is called that for a reason.  I am reminded of this with every pen stroke, stamp, and envelope.  Why wouldn't we encourage and support those that, someday, may hold our loved ones life (as well as our own) in their hands?  It is a precious blessing and an honor to do this one simple act.

My next step, is to simplify.  I find the more simple life is, the easier it is to enjoy.  Dustin may be off doing his thing, but there is still a life here to carry on with.  Shelby and Dylan are not getting any younger.  With the three kids getting older, Paul and I are finding that we have much more time together then we are used to.  But if there is anything that life has taught me recently...it is that time is precious, no matter how much of it you have.  Yes, there are still going to be hard times.  Yes, there will be nights I don't sleep.  The truth is, with my health problems, it does wear on my body awful.  But through all of it I need to remember all the wonderful blessings I have been given through this process.  I have to move on and turn it into a positive.  I love encouraging and helping others.  It is partly why I became a nurse.  But more then that, it is the comfort and the healing it brings.  not to me, but to them.  I sent a quote to Dustin by General MacArthur..."A general is just as good or just as bad as the troops under his command make him."  Doesn't this hold true for parents as well.  Our children are only as good as we are.  But it holds true for being Americans, as well.  Our country is only as good as the people who stand behind and support those who protect it.  I love my son with all my heart and being of my body.  I love this country too.  I am very blessed that my son chose to stand for something more then a job.  He chose to give himself to protect the country I (and so many others) love.  Following in his grandfathers footsteps.  Just when you think you can't love them more, they do something like this.  I owe it to him and to all the others to be as supportive as possible.  Much love and many blessings!!!!