No Letter Today...

Well, after a very busy night at work, I decided to come home and wait for the mailman.  Our mail comes early, and since I didn't have to work tonight, I figured it wouldn't hurt.  I was quickly disappointed.  Got out to the mailbox and nothing!!!!  My spirits went from sky high to rock bottom in a matter of nano-seconds.  The phone call Sunday was such a lift.  I kept telling myself that, if I could get a phone call every Sunday, then that would be enough.  Enough to put the worry, the not knowing, and just the plain missing Dustin, at bay.  I am quickly realizing that isn't the case.  Mornings like this are so hard.  I was so used to coming home to three teenagers sleeping in the living room.  It is what they have always done on the nights both mom and dad worked.  Instead, I came home to only two dogs and a husband.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my husband dearly.  I could never have gotten through everything (especially this) with out him.  My dogs are like my second set of children.  So, I am very thankful to have them.  You see, this is the part they don't tell you about.  You are more then informed on what a wonderful decision your soldier has made.  The opportunities that await them.  And sure, to some extent, you are warned about how long and hard it can be on you.  But what they don't tell you is how to deal with the sudden impact the quiet has on you.  They don't tell you about the incomplete feeling you have at the first family function you and your family attend, without your soldier.  They definitely don't tell you about the moments you are sitting all by yourself surrounded by constant reminders that someone is far away from home.  One minute you are happy as a lark.  The next moment, you are riddled with tears and a longing that could only be healed by holding the in your arms.  It is so easy for others to say, "Keep busy and the time will go by faster,"  Sure it does help the time go by, but it doesn't help keep your mind from constantly thinking about them.  There are moments I can sit in a room full of people and feel so alone.  I remind myself that they mean well.  I do adore them for trying to make things better.  The amount of love and support has been so wonderful, and at times, humbling.

Dustin has always been there for my bad days.  If his brother or sister needed a ride somewhere, we would get in my car and crank the radio.  The two of us would open the sunroof and just enjoy the drive.  For that couple of hours I ( and Dustin) could forget about the pain and decline my body was feeling.  For a few carefree moments, it didn't matter that I was never gong to able to be as energetic and carefree as I once was.  I miss those days.  My children have been so supportive and understanding through my illness.  Knowing it can't be easy for them, I have always tried to make it as easy for them as possible.  No child should have to watch their parent go through the things I have had to go through.  Yet, through it all, they understand that it is the hand we have been dealt.  The three of them have always tried to make the most of it.  But it doesn't keep me from worrying about the affect it has on them.  Especially, Dustin while he is gone.  Days like to today make it ever so clear that I will have to wait a while for one of those drives.  I started looking through some pictures today of Dustin's Senior year.  I found two pictures that I wanted to share with you.  The first picture is one of Dustin dressed as Uncle Sam for his Homecoming parade.  It is so like him.  Little did I know the significance that picture would have a few short months later.  The other is one of him on one of our drives just before he left.  Top open, music cranked, and not a care in the world.

I believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason.  I have come to know many of the wonder families of the men and women Dustin is going through BCT with.  I have found that we are able to comfort each other through the downs and help each other celebrate the ups.  I truly hope that our relationships can grow way beyond our children being in BCT together.  They have not only shown me that I am not alone, but that comfort, love, and support can come from miles.  Distance does not keep us from laughing together, crying together, even waiting by the phone together.  I ask that you keep them in your thoughts and prayers.  The journey is just starting for all of us.  We have a very long way to go.  I don't think it is too much a stretch to say that they appreciate your support as much as I do.  We are all learning together.  We have found that it is a slow, tedious, and sometimes uncertain process.  I continue to try and encourage them.  In return, they teach me so much.  What a blessing they have become.  So, I will pick my head up, try to put a smile on my face, remember how much Dustin loves what he is doing, and carry on.  That is what he would want me to do.  I know he is fulfilling his destiny.  He is carrying out the plan that God has put into place for him.  In return, I will continue to work on my the plan in place for me.  I promised to be the best Darned Army Mom on the planet.  that is exactly what I aim to do.  I just have lots more help in the process then I thought I did.  Come tomorrow, I will make my way to the mailbox, and do it all over again.  As always, I will pass on any information.  Thank you so much, my friends.  thank you for your love, support, and just plain putting up with me.  Much love and many blessings!!!!