I Am More...

As tomorrow aproaches, I can't help but think of those that have given everything to defend our country, it's people, and it's freedoms.  A country that many strive their entire life and give so much to be a part of.  People from all walks of life.  Freedoms that so many take for granted.  It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.  Not just for the service members lost, but the families who miss them everyday.  Think about it.  Tomorrow there will be a wife missing her husband knowing that their next anniversary will be celebrated alone.  There is a child that will be thinking that their parent will not be there to watch them blow the candles out on their next birthday cake.  A mother who will never have the pleasure of watching her son open presents this Christmas, and so many more.  To these people they are more then just soldiers lost.  They are apart of a life that was once known and a reminder that the life ahead will never be the same.

Maybe I am sentimental a bit because I feel I could find myself in any of these situations at any time.  If there is one thing my life has taught me, it is to be grateful for the ones in my life.  You see I am more then an Army brat.  I am a daughter of a man who sacrificed holidays and firsts to serve this country.  I am more then an Army mom.  I am a mother who stays awake at night fearing the unknown.  I am more then the mom to a daughter who is soon to be a wife of an Airman.  I am a mother who worries if her daughter or daughter in law will ever have to know the devastation of having to raise my grand child as a single mother.  I am more then the grandmother to a Military child.  I am the grandmother who wonders if the time will come when the only thing she has to share of their fathers are pictures and memories.   I have learned to not dwell on these things.  But the reality is always there.  The reality is there are people in our own communities who are already experiencing these things.

So, tomorrow I ask that you take a moment to remember those that have given so much.  Soldiers and loved ones alike.  It's not about you.  It's not about me.  It is about them.  I pray that no soldier or their family member is forgotten.  I pray for those lost and for those still with us.  It is a simple gesture.  It takes a few secomds, but can make a last impact.  Hope you all enjoy the weekend!  Most of all, may we never forget why we celebrate it.  Much love and many blessings!

It's Been A While...

Hello, my dear friends.  I know it has been a very long time.  Such a busy and adventurous year and a half.  Part of the reason for my absence has been illness.  Another part has been privacy.  After everything, we just felt the need to take a step back and let our soldier have at least some of his life to his self.  So much has happened.  I hardly know where to start.  First thing is that I have gained a wonderful daughter in law.  That's right, our soldier got married.  It was fast, but it was so right.  They are perfect together.  Our daughter is engaged.  And, yes, she is marrying an Airman.  So much for taking a step back.  He is a wonderful young man.  High school sweethearts, just like her parents.  You can just see the love in their eyes when they look at each other.  We are also watching has many of our children's close childhood friends are joining the service and paving their own paths.  We are so proud of them all.  I am so blessed to be able to offer advice and comfort to their friends and family.  It is what has brought me back to this blog.  I never want any soldier or their family to feel alone.  While it is one of the proudest moments, it can be one of the hardest.  I remember those feelings all too well.  So plan on seeing more of me.  We are busy with wedding plans, right now.  However, I will try to post more.  Working on getting back into sending cards and packages, now that I am doing better.  I am still in complete awe at the support our family and our soldier still receive.  It is so heartwarming.  The biggest lesson I have learned this past year and a half is that life doesn't adjust to you.  You adjust to it.  You learn to trust your child, and his instincts.  You need to give them space, while still letting them know you are there for them.  Finally, there does come a moment when you know that they are doing what is best for them.  The fear and the missing them never goes away.  You just learn to deal and pray through it.

'Tis The Season...

Hello, my good friends.  I know I have been absent recently.  Let's just say it has been a long and hard couple of months.  I spent much of October and November under the weather.  Feeling better now, however.  As for our soldier, he had to spend his first holiday and nineteenth birthday away from home.  I am so grateful for his new found military friends and family.  It is so nice to know that he is not alone.  It is hard, but knowing that he is not alone brings me some comfort.  So much has happened in the last couple of months.  By now you all are aware that Dustin will not be coming home for Christmas.  Not something that I am exactly happy about.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  It was hard enough to deal with the fact that Christmas was going to be tight with me being sick and just getting back to work.  Not having him here has made it even harder to get into the spirit.  It hasn't exactly been easy for him to accept either.  It's funny...you sit and hear or read about how people get frustrated with loved ones.  Paul and I would give anything to have Dustin here to frustrate us.  lol!!  Some just don't know how lucky they really are.  With knowledge of him not coming home also came news that it is very possible he will be deployed sometime next year.  This is not exactly the news any family member wants to hear, not especially at Christmas time.  This means, we are not sure he will be here next Christmas either.  I have to admit that we knew deep down that this would come to pass.  However, it doesn't make it easier.  The last thing any parent wants for their child is to be in harms way.  Paul, the kids, family, and I have learned to lean on each other.  Tears have become a regular thing around here for Shelby and I.  She misses her brother so badly.  One minute she is all giggles and the next she is teary-eyed and the words, "I miss my bother" come out.  Then of course, this causes a chain reaction.  I become a mess.  Paul just holds us.  Then there is Dylan, bless his heart, he tries his best to make us laugh.  This is his way of dealing...laughter.  He misses his brother just as much as we do.  I can see it in his face whenever Dustin is mentioned.  As a mother, you hope that your children will grow to appreciate and be there for each other.  If there is one reward in all this, it is that Paul and I have seen the three of our children create bonds that no one can ever break.  Dustin says he is hoping to be home around the end of January.  However, we have learned that everything happens on the Army's timeline.  He still loves what he is doing.  He has also developed a soft spot for the south.  He absolutely loves Georgia.  He is going to freeze to death when he does come home.  lol!!!

Paul and I want to take this chance to thank everyone who has sent him and other troops cards, care packages, support, and prayers.  It has truly warmed our hearts with all the support you have given.  Trust me, he is still as much a Beaverton boy as he was when he left.  He misses home a lot.  He is so proud of where he comes from.  He is proud of the support and love you all show all troops.  His family is also.  I have seen Dustin grow in so many ways.  Some say he has changed.  He has changed.  He is no longer a kid.  He has grown up.  However, his caring and giving personality is still the same.  He has always been a "good guy".  I remember having a conversation about that with him once.  They say good guys always finish last.  Well, I think Dustin is proving that saying wrong.  Not only do good guys come in first, but they do it in a way that makes others look up to them.  Knowing this is what keeps Paul and I going.  We realize that while our son may not be home for Christmas, there are others out there going through worse.  We have always believed in giving back, but it has become more like a therapy now.  We may not always have the money to give, but there is always a kind word, a helping hand, or a simple hello with a smile.  I guess the general thought is that if a soldier can sacrifice everything he does, then we can surely take a minute to make someone's day better.  God has always seen us through any obstacle that has come our way.  He will get us through this.  Much Love and Many Blessings!!  Oh and Merry Christmas!!!  We hope it is a great time for you and your family and friends.  We hope it is filled with love, laughter, and memories that last a lifetime.  In the end, it is what this time of year is all about.  It might sound cliché, but it is true.  God Bless ;)           

At Last...

The big day has come.  AIT graduation.  We are all so proud of him.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset about not being able to be there.  However, I am so excited that Paul, the kids, and mom and dad could be.  I have taken the time alone to do some much needed reflection.  This has been a long and difficult process.  Yet, somewhere in the midst of all of it, there is so much pride and love.  The last four months have proven to be an adjustment for everyone.  For Dustin, it is the transformation from High School Graduate to being a soldier of the U.S. Army.  A task he has embraced wholeheartedly.  It doesn't just change the soldier, though.  It changes the family too.  I have found that over the last four months many things come to light.  One is that some will criticize.  They do so because they do not understand.  They want you to explain the feelings you have or the actions you take into words.  However, the part they don't get is that is impossible to do.  You do the things you do, because it is all you have.  It's not like you can just through your arms around your child when times get bad.  You fear for their well-being and you fear for their life.  You see, if something happens to my son, it is because someone intentionally set out to hurt him for fighting for what he believes in.  That is still something that is very hard for me to swallow.  In the process you form friendships with those who are going through what you are and can understand what that feels like.  Now, that we are to this point, I have no regrets of starting this blog or doing anything I have.  I see how many it has touched (yes, I read every message) and value the friendships I have made along the way.  Most of all, I see the pride that it has brought my soldier.  If that makes me selfish, then so be it.   I am sure, to some, it does seem that way.  However, I will not apologize for making my son, or any of my children, my number one priority.  The biggest lesson I have learned is that people really do care.  They just don't always know how to show it.  Not just friends and family, but people as a whole.  They support and love all our troops.  If you give them a way or a voice, they will express how they feel and how much the appreciate our soldiers.  To those that have, we are so grateful.  You have shown us so much love and support.  We could never repay you for everything.  I don't think there is a time when Paul, I, or the two kids don't get asked about Dustin.  Most generally it comes with a thank you and a message to him to say thank you.  We always try to make sure he gets the message.  He can not wait to come home.  We are hoping he will be home for Christmas, but as with everything else, will not know for sure until he is at his first duty station and gets settled.  I have to tell you, knowing he will be in one place for longer then 10 weeks is nice.  Also, Shelby and I are very excited to be able to send him goodies, finally.  He loves his homemade cookies.  Ha!

This process does change you.  It changes you as a mom, as a family, and as a human being.  Eighteen years ago I never dreamed we would be at this point.  For some reason, it is where the Lord has led us.  He has shown us so many things through it all.  I am now a true believer that if there is something or someone you believe in, then you should take action and do what you can to support it.  Don't sit and wait for someone to come to you to ask for help.  Take it upon yourself to reach out.  You will be rewarded in ways you never imagined.  I have found so much happiness in supporting Dustin and his fellow soldiers, as well has their families.  Oh it has been challenging.  But I have found ways to deal with those challenges.  It's worth all of it.  I have always told my children to do what makes them happy in life.  Finally I am taking my own advice.  I am in the process of pursuing some of the things that make me happy.  I love helping others and I love writing.  There is no feeling better then getting a thank you from a soldier for a simple card, or the feeling that I get when another Army mom reads my blog and lets me know that she felt alone until she read my blog.  Words have so much power.  We often forget that.  They can hurt a great deal, even leave scars.  On the other hand, they can encourage, inspire, and take you places you never thought you would go.  I hope to accomplish that here.  I encourage you all to do the same.

The two kids were so excited to be able to see their brother.  I am sure he was just as excited to see them too.  We try to include him as much as possible through texting, photos, and phone calls so that he doesn't miss too much.  He is always on our minds.  The simplest things will bring random comments or thoughts.  They seem to come out of the blue.  Sometimes with laughter, sometimes with tears.  You can tell when he text or calls.  The mood in this house elevates so much.  Dustin is going to Fort Stewart, Georgia.  He sounds happy about it.  I am just grateful his boots will still be on US soil.  I do not have an address yet.  As soon as I do, I will let you all know.  He would love to hear from you, I am sure.  As I previously stated, hopefully he will be home at Christmas.  Congratulations to all the soldiers who graduated today from AIT!  We are all so proud of you.  As always thank you for everything.  Much love and many blessings!!!       

Lonely Sundays...

Well, it is quiet here.  Paul and the kids are gone today.  Some might think that this is a mom's dream come true.  A few hours of peace and some "Me time".  Today it really doesn't feel that way at all.  I am, once again, feeling under the weather.  No thanks to our wonderful Michigan climate changes.  Not really sure if that has anything to do with my mood today or not.  Yesterdays phone call from Dustin was so nice.  We  hadn't heard from him since their phones were taken away.  He told me he is going to Fort Stewart, Georgia.  Still a long way from home, but not so far that we won't be able to visit.  I just thank God for the fact that he is on the East side of the United States and there are no huge bodies of water in between.  However, Paul and I did some research last night, and it looks like Fort Stewart has a reputation for fast and frequent deployments.  It doesn't mean that Dustin is going to be deployed for sure, but it looks like it might be in the future.  He did say he was very happy with it.  I guess, in the long run, that is all that matters.  He is so content, right now.  I can hear all the excitement in his voice when he talks on the phone.  As a mother, it makes me so proud.  Not just because he is serving his country, but because he had the guts to just go for it and live his dream.  I don't know what the Lord has in store for him next.  I do know, however, he is ready to take it head on.  He graduates from AIT on Oct. 3, 2013.  It is still unclear whether or not he will have to stay in Fort Sill for BFIST training or go straight to Fort Stewart.  As with everything else, we will handle it when it comes.  Paul and I have adapted to the "No news is good news" way of life.  There seems to just be less disappointment that way. 

It would seem that I am not the only one in the house having a bit of a hard time these days.  Dylan and Shelby have also had more frequent "moments".  It is harder for them with school starting.  They are getting asked questions daily about how Dustin is, where he is going, and when he is coming home.  These are the same questions they have themselves.  It is hard when you don't have the answers yourself.  The y are getting through it.  Paul and I try to be there for those difficult moments.  It's hard as a parent, but it must be even worse on a child.  There is still so much they don't understand.  So many good and bad moments they want to share with him, but can't.  You can see the love and pride they carry for Dustin.  Dylan has been playing his heart out on that football field and getting ready for hunting season.  Two things he always shared with his older brother.  Shelby is getting on with her Senior year and has so many things she misses having Dustin here to help her with.  College applications, classes, and other things that seem to be easier to deal with when big brother is around.  It just breaks Paul's and my hearts to see the tears well up in their eyes when they have one of those moments.  then it is like a chain reaction.  After we are done trying to comfort them, we find ourselves trying to comfort ourselves and each other.  It's funny.  You sit and listen to everyone talk about their issues and problems.  How they wish their children could decide what they wanted to do.  Complain about how their child doesn't listen or pick up after themselves.  How they have all these things going on.  These are all things I have caught myself doing, at one time or another.  I look back now, and see how petty it all can be.  Someone actually said to me once, "At least your son has a plan for his life."  I wanted to say, "Yeah, but I would give anything to have him here to holler at for not picking his shoes up."  Then I think about how long it has been since I could give him a hug.  It has been since the middle of August, for me.  It has been since the beginning of June for Paul and the kids.  Trust me, you do keep track.  You think this way because you envy them to a certain degree.  You recognize how important those problems are to them and don't try to make light of them.  You try to support or help them through their issues, while secretly a part of you would give anything to have your son/daughter there to yell at.  Crazy, but true.

I think that God gives us the amount of strength we need as we go.  It doesn't get easier, you just learn to adapt in different ways to the stress and the worry.  Sometimes, a hug will do the trick.  Other times, you just need to hide in the bathroom and cry your eyes out.  But somehow, there is always a way to carry on and get through it.  I have definitely learned a lot over the course of the last 4 months.  The soldiers are not the only ones who come out of this changed and with a whole new perspective.  The families do to.  I sit and think about the one's who are just getting started.  It makes me realize how far we have come and how much we have already learned.  It's a lifestyle change, that is for sure.  You think twice about everything, if not more.  Simple things like the phones ringing have a whole new meaning.  You don't sweat over the house being spotless.  But you do go crazy if that mail carrier is late.  lol!!!  One very important thing you realize is that family goes way beyond blood lines.  Not just for us, but for our soldiers, as well.  The relationships they are developing now are unlike any they have ever experienced.  They will share so much together.  Things, we as family even, will never understand.  The crazy thing is...they don't expect us to "get it".  They just ask for us to support them.  That is what this Army mom has chose to do.  I am proud to be an Army mom.  I am proud that the day my son graduated from high school, he had U.S. Army on his graduation cap, while others had colleges or nothing at all.  I am proud that he wears his uniform wit pride, love, and respect.  Not just for his country, but for the people in it and their beliefs.  Much love and many blessings!!!!           

Keeping Busy...

Truly, this has been a hard day.  Not just because of the fact that it was 9-11, but because everywhere I looked there were constant reminders of the terror Dustin vowed to fight against.  Added to the fact that I was not able to communicate with him in anyway, and my worry-wart meter was in overdrive.  I know that it has been a while since I have posted.  To be honest, I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about it.  Let me just catch everyone up.  Last Friday a soldier in Dustin's platoon threw a rock and hit another soldier in the face.  All this was taking place while we were texting each other.  From everything I was able to gather, when they asked who did it, no body owned up to it.  As punishment, they took the whole battery's phones and electronics.  Yes, even those who didn't have anything to do with it.  To add salt to the wound, they got their orders on Saturday, so we have no idea where he is going until he writes or calls.  Harsh?  Yes!  But as I have stated in the past, the Army has purpose for everything.  The individual or individuals have since come clean, but they still have to earn back their privileges.  Now, am I mad?  Absolutely.  Did I want to drive down there and ring the little hellions neck?  So bad I was shaking.  But more then anything, I was scared.  The young men my son is serving with are also the same men that will someday have his back.  Or, at least, that is the general hope.  I want to believe that if the time ever comes, someone will be there to fight for his life.  I know he would theirs.  So, while I don't like the idea that he had his phone taken away because of someone else's stunt, I understand what the Army is trying to teach these young men.  It goes way beyond how to drive a Bradley or shoot a gun.  It is deeper and more meaningful then that.  It is about being a brotherhood.  the phrase that comes to mind is "All for one, and one for all."  Funny thing is I used to use this phrase when I would talk to the three kids about how important having your brother/sisters back was.  Here Dustin is getting a first hand lesson. 

I have found much frustration comes from having him in AIT.  The amount of information about their activities and stuff is slow and very little.  I have decided that this is the Army's way of preparing the soldiers and their families for a lifestyle that is based on knowing what they need to know when it is needed.  Not a minute sooner, or a detail more.  I have accepted this.  Maybe it is because that is how I grew up.  Let's be honest, there may come a day that Dustin is called to go somewhere to do his job, and we won't know where he is or when he is coming home.  Furthermore, we probably won't hear from him much, if at all.  It's not a pleasant thought, but let me tell you something that makes it easier to deal with.  This would be the idea that it is what will keep him safe.  There was a phrase used at the orientation when Dustin went to AIT.  The gentleman stated, "The hunter now becomes the hunted."  It was hard to hear, but it was the truth.  I prefer that I not hear anything from him, and know that no news is good news, then to receive a dreaded knock at the door or phone call.  I know that there are those that will disagree with me.  That is fine.  We are all entitled to our opinions.  Dustin has applied for Air Assault training and B Fist training (doing his job inside a specialized Bradley).  It would be naive of me to think that he would never be in dangers way.  This is his job.  It is what he has been training to do and is proud to do.  As his mother, I can only support him.  I may not like it, but I do support him.  One thing I can honestly say that this has taught me...never pass the opportunity to tell someone you love them.  Not ever!!!  I don't care if they hurt your feelings or didn't remember your birthday, or whatever.  The chance to say "I love you" now, may not come soon or ever again, for that matter.  Be grateful for every second you have with them.  Because a second now, may not be present again.

As I have stated, I have been trying to keep myself busy.  We are pretty much all settled into the new house.  We have been here for a month and I have found some improved health has come with it.  I am by no means perfect, but I am much better then I have been in the past two or three years.  Just have to remember to not overdo it (easier said then done for me).  I have decided to start a candle business in order to help pay for care packages for soldiers.  If I had to be honest, I would have to say there was more purpose then that behind it.  I think that part of it is just a way to keep me busy.  I have so much more time on my hands with Dustin gone and the other two being older.  I needed something to do.  The other thing is just plain being able to be social again.  I am feeling healthy enough to finally be in the presence of people other then children, doctors, dogs, and my husband (God love his soul).  Not only does it help distract me, but just having adult female conversation again has been so good for my spirit.  We, as moms, forget how important and therapeutic it is to get together and have some quality "me time".  Dustin would laugh at me so hard, right now.  I always gave the boys heck for not being able to sit still well.  He would say the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, and raise his eyebrows at me.  He was right.  I miss him so much it hurts.  We all do.  There is not a time of the day he doesn't cross our minds.  Sometimes, I will be sitting here and I just get this knot in the pit of my stomach from all the worry.  Other times, my heart just aches because I miss him so much.  I have shed so many tears, and at the most random times.  Shelby and Dylan have expressed that it is a little harder being in school.  They get asked questions about Dustin all the time.  Shelby's response is, "It's harder to ignore when you have to actually talk about it."  When they do have to talk about it, they are so proud.  they each have dog tags they wear everyday.  They wear them proudly and with so much love.  Never let it be said that my children do not love and care for each other.  Dustin even went so far as to arrange a shout out to his brother last Thursday night for his first home football game.  Dylan was already having such a great game.  That just made it even more special.  It was a precious meaningful moment shared with a community that has become our family in so many ways.  Even from thousands of miles away he is finding ways to keep in touch with his roots.  I am so proud of him.  He said something to me while he was in Basic that sticks with me.  He said, "Mom, I didn't think that many people cared that much."  I simply said, "Yup, this town is a lot to be proud of.  We are very blessed to call it home."  He agreed then, and still does now.  Our family appreciates everything you have done.  All the encouragement, concern, and love.  I will never ever be able to say thank you enough.  The thing is, this isn't just our families story.  It is the story of every military family out there (with a little variation).  So, please include them all in your prayers.  We will update everyone as soon as we know where Dustin is going.  If it is Hawaii, I am packing my bags too.  lol!!!  Just sayin'... Much love and many blessings!!!!!        

Reality Bites...

Well, all...I had been taking a much needed break.  It would seem that between moving, traveling, getting sick, and work.  I just over did it.  But with the recent events taking place in todays world, I feel my heart strings being pulled back to it.  First of all, you should all know that Dustin is doing very well.  He loves AIT, the Army, and the Army way of life.  Oklahoma...not so much.  But he knows it is temporary.  He should have his orders for his first duty station here in a week or two.  Then we will have a lot better idea of where he will be for a longer period of time.  AIT is so different from BCT.  In more ways then one.  Yet, in some ways the same.  The letter writing has pretty much come to a halt for him.  However, we text each other almost every night.  Which I almost prefer.  That is because it is real time and not about what happened a week ago.  Also, we are able to cheer each other up when we are having a bad moment.  Still no baked goods can be sent.  Health and fitness are an intricate part of their training.  Therefore, no sweets.  I must admit, it is killing me.  I love baking and can't wait to be able to send him stuff.  His favorite is homemade cookies (of just about any kind).  He did mention that he is going to try and put in for the holidays off when he gets to his first assignment.  Not sure if he will get it, but it would be so awesome to have him home.  Christmas is my favorite holiday.  The kids and Paul often make fun of me because I start planning for it so early.  No kidding...if I could keep my tree up year round, I would.  Unfortunately, people would think I had lost my mind if I did.  We all have our fetish.  Christmas is mine. 

You know I was starting to actually get used to all of this.  At least, I thought I was.  Then all of a sudden, Syria happened.  Unfortunately, my feelings of contentment were replaced with that of fear, worry, and sadness.  One minute everything is fine, the next minute I am sitting in front of CNN praying that the President will not be sending troops, with a box of Kleenex in one hand, and my Bible in the other.  It is an awful feeling.  I felt nauseous, antsy, and like someone had kicked me in the gut the entire time I was watching it.  Then a thought came to me.  If I was scared, what must an 18 year old soldier be going through.  I quickly texted him to see what he was doing.  He told me he was in his room.  When I asked him why he wasn't watching the news, his answer made me so proud and so sad at the same time.  He said, "Either way, I'll do what I got to do."  My son is not a little boy anymore, he is a man.  Not just any man.  He is an American Soldier, who has devoted his life and well being to this country and the people in it.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was one of the proudest yet saddest moments I think I have experienced through all this.  Yes, more then graduation and all that.  This was the moment it had all come full circle for me.  The moment that I realized what all the training, tears, sweat, and nights spent worrying were for.  It was also a reminder, that whether or not our troops are sent, they need and deserve our gratitude and support.  It is so easy to voice opinions and spout off, when you have no personal connection to it.  Do I want my son to go?  Heck no!!!  I saw what those biochemical did to those poor people.  It was awful.  Images I can't erase from my mind.  I don't want one of those people to be my son.  However, I accept that this is what he chose to do with his life.  I respect that, and made a promise.  I promised that I would support him and be the best darn Army mom I could be.  This is what an Army mom does.  It kills me deep inside.  It truly does.  If something does happen to him, it isn't like it was due to a long illness or even a freak accident.  It is because someone who hates him (and those like him) intentionally set out to harm him for what he believes in and stands up for.  Not a feeling I wish for anyone.  I may not agree with the politics.  But I love and support my son and those like him.  That is what matters.  On behalf of Military families everywhere, I ask that you do the same.  Their job is to follow out orders.  We ask that you support them, even if you don't agree with the politics.  They are doing what they have been trained to do.  They do it honorably, willingly, and with much pride.   Much love and many blessings!!!