We Still Have A Long Way To Go...

Well, it's over.  He made it through BCT.  I can not tell you how very proud of him Paul and I are.  It is a bittersweet experience.  There is no greater feeling then watching your child live their dream.  However, there is no sadder feeling then the feeling you get when you must leave them with no real answers as to when you will see them again.  The last five days have been a roller coaster of emotions and activities.  Not even really sure that I can fit it all in one blog post.  One of my greatest moments was when I watched my son march across that stage.  There he was, not quite four months from the time he graduated from high school.  Only this time he was dressed in Army dress blues and not a cap and gown.  For any parent who has tried to sum that feeling up into words, it is hard.  The truth is, there isn't any.  You don't know whether to cry or to jump up and down.  All I wanted to do was to give him the biggest hug.  However, that was made impossible by the fact that they bused them off so quickly, we couldn't.  By the time we were able to get him for the night it was after 5:30.  We had dinner together and went back to the hotel to hang out.  Since my plane left around 10 A.M. on Saturday, we had to drop him off early.  I did manage to hold it together.  No tears...that is until after I dropped him off and exited the building.  At that moment, I felt a huge ache in my chest.  An emptiness that I couldn't get back.  All I wanted, at that point, was to run back, grab him, and stick him in the car with me.  But that, as we all know, was impossible.  So the next best thing was to have someone give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay.  All I needed was a moment to absorb the fact that I had just dropped my son off and was not sure if I would see him again in October or at Christmas or possibly even later.  Added to the pressure of having to break all that news to his family, I was completely overwhelmed.  I didn't need someone to compare it to something else or to make it about something else.  I just needed that few minutes to get my thoughts together and accept what was.  I needed that moment to be about me and my son.  That isn't what happened at all.  To top it all off, there was an Army Mom on the plane who got to bring her soldier home with her.  I was so jealous, and so mad at myself for feeling that way.  I was happy for her because she could bring him home, yet sad because I had to leave my soldier behind.  Did not help my situation, in the least bit.  So 10 hours and two plane rides later, I was finally in my husbands arms and broke down.  And I have still had my moments since then.  I will continue to have those moments, I am sure.  I have never tried to compare this situation to anyone else's or what I am feeling to anyone else.  I feel that every situation is different.  Please, understand, that my story is just that...my story.  I am sure there are Army Moms out there who experience it differently.  I carry so much pride, yet so much worry.  I worry because I am Dustin's mom.  It is my job to worry about him.  If there is one piece of advice I could give anyone, it is never let someone make you feel like worrying about your child is wrong or ridiculous.  No matter how old they are.  You are their mother.  If you didn't worry about them, there would definitely be something wrong.

When Dustin started his journey, I did not know how I would get through it.  I did not know a lot of other mothers who were going through the same as I was.  Then I found this wonderful group of ladies, who all had soldiers that were in BCT with Dustin.  We have seen each other through good times and bad.  We have sat up talking about so many other things besides our soldiers.  While we had formed an incredible friendship and bond online, we had never really met.  That is until this weekend.  I got to meet several of the Army Moms that I had been communicating with.  All I can say is that they are even more special then I thought.  These women and their soldiers have become a part of my daily life.  They are my Army family.  We have been through much together, and will continue to go through things together.  They are true, dear friends.  I have been so blessed to have met each and everyone of them.  They have not only helped me, but inspired me as well.  It was one simple act that led to making a couple of soldiers feel important and cared for that gave me the idea for Dustin's Journey and sponsoring soldiers.  They did it because they cared, not for any other reason.  Because they are good people, not just seeking accolades.  I believe that an Army Mom's love can go very far.  Far beyond the support and love of one soldier.  It can spread among dozens.  You may be asking if we will continue to communicate and be there for each other.  Yes, we will.  In fact, many of our soldiers are doing AIT together at Fort Sill.  God does work in mysterious ways.  That is for sure.

There are still many unanswered questions.  When is Dustin coming home?  What can we send him in AIT?  What happens after AIT?  Let me just say that the only answers I have, at this moment, are sketchy, at best.  More definite answers will come in 3-4 weeks when he gets his orders for his first duty station.  He may be home in October, if he is sent overseas.  At that time, we have been told it will only be for 5 days.  If he isn't sent overseas, he will probably not be home until Christmas.  He has expressed that this is the route in which he is leaning.  If he comes home in October, he just won't have a lot of time.  His current Graduation date is October 3, 2013.  So, he will miss Homecoming.  As for care packages, we are told they are not allowed to have treats in their rooms.  Therefore, we ask that until we are given the okay from Dustin, you not send them.  AIT is not the same as basic training.  However, we were told that the physical training is intense, the standards are higher, and they want them in the best shape possible.  Energy drinks, fast food, and basically, any other form of junk food is discouraged.  Some have made comments about the size of Dustin's arms.  Well, watch out, because the Army isn't done with him yet.  Other details will come with other blog posts.  As I stated, there were many things to tell.  But for now, we feel it is important for you to all understand that he is happy.  In fact, I don't think I have ever seen him so focused, relaxed, content, and just plain ecstatic about anything in his life.  We owe you all so much.  Your love and support have been nothing short of amazing.  Your love and support for him (as well as other soldiers) have made my family so proud of where we come from.  Again we love and thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.  Much love and many blessings.         

It All Comes Full Cricle...

Got a letter today from our soldier.  You know those moments that you hear about.  You know the ones.  The ones when you realize that all those hours of worry, constant badgering, arguing, and everything else was worth it.  The moment all the responsibilities of being a parent payoff.  I'm not talking about the moments when they graduate from high school, find the job of their dreams, get married, or anything like that.  I'm talking about the moment you realize your child "gets it".  Yup, well that moment came to me today in the form of a letter.  This was the longest letter he had written, to date.  As always, he went on to say he was excited for graduation and that he loved what he was doing.  He passed his final PT exam with flying colors.  He wrote that he missed everyone so much.  It was what came after all that made me a complete mess.  Now, let me just say that I know my son has never been a saint.  I mean, he is a good kid, but like with every teen, we have had our concerns and battles where certain things come into play.  As I read this letter, it became perfectly clear that many of those concerns would be put to rest.  He wrote about how much he appreciated everything that mom and dad had done for him.  He went on to say that he still had a lot of growing up to do, but that he had become the man and soldier he is today because of everything I had taught him.  I don't have to tell you how much that meant to me.  This was the first time he had ever said something like that to me.  Oh sure, it's always been implied...but never actually put into words.  As parents, we look for validation.  Not just from our peers, but from our children.  Validation that we did everything right.  That we didn't "mess up", so to speak.  I have to tell you that no validation, from peers, even comes close to that of hearing it from your own child.  When I was diagnosed, I worried so much.  Worried that my children would suffer.  Paul and I did everything in our power to keep them as unaffected by it as possible.  If truth be told, a tiny part of me thought maybe Dustin joined the Army to get away from it.  Although, he has always wanted to join the Army, I thought maybe he had also seen it as a ticket out.  That wasn't the case, at all.  He joined for many reasons, but one was because Paul and I have always encouraged the kids to follow their dreams.  We also always taught never to take things for granted.  Not friends, family, just life in general.  He proved in this letter that he is so grateful.  He has never been good at expressing his feelings.  He has always been a boy of few words.  I think many teenage boys are (or full grown men, for that matter).  As I read the letter, the tears started falling.  In fact, Shelby made the comment to Paul, "She made it two days."  Ha!  Then when Dylan read it, he stated, "Yup, that made mom cry."  That is just a testament to how this past 8-10 weeks as been.  But all those tears and worries were validated by my sons, almost 4 page, letter today.

I have learned that the Army doesn't just change the soldier, it changes the entire family, as well.  The family bonds become closer and stronger.  I have often heard people make the comment, "It's too bad you can't pick your family members."  I think to myself, would these people think differently if they didn't have any family?  I, along with other Army Moms, have been writing encouraging letters and cards to some of the soldiers in training that have no family to support them.  I could not imagine what it would be like to go through something like BCT without the love and support that one needs.  Some have wrote back and stated what a blessing it has been to them.  What they don't understand, is that it is just as much a blessing for me, as it is them.  It has brought me closer to the other Army moms, to the soldiers, and to my son.  Money can't buy the type of happiness these precious gifts have brought me.  the Lord works in the most peculiar ways sometimes.  In the beginning, it was just about Dustin joining the Army and how I was going to deal with it.  Has time as gone on, I see that God's plan wasn't just for Dustin to grow, but for this Army Mom to grow, as well.  It helped me realize, that no matter the obstacles or disabilities, a person can make difference in someone's life.  It has also shown me that, if you open yourself up to it, others can make a difference in your life.  I was scared of my pending disability.  Now, I accept it and know that it doesn't mean that I can't still live a productive rewarding life.  It doesn't define me as a person, and certainly not as a mother. 

So, the next two weeks are going to be crazy in the Crowl household.  First of all, we got the house we have been waiting on for like four months.  We sign papers and , hopefully, get the keys on Friday afternoon.  I can't tell you how happy and reassuring it is for me.  However, I will be on pins and needles till it is done and those keys are in my hands.  It gives us approximately 8 weeks to get everything settled and plan for Dustin to come home on leave.  On the 15th of this month, Paul or I will be headed to Oklahoma to see our son graduate from BCT.  I was planning on going, but given my body's unfortunate timing, am not sure if I can get the time off to go.  So, Paul will go in my place.  It is sad, but a reality that can't be avoided.  Besides that, Paul deserves to be there just as much as I do.  What a proud moment for him to be able and see his son graduate from BCT.  There is school starting soon, Football starting, Shelby's Senior pictures to get scheduled, and Dustin's Journey to run.  So, we will be anything but bored.  I am sure it will be crazy, but we will get through it.  You have all been so supportive and given so much of yourselves to our family.  Some have even volunteered to sponsor soldiers through Dustin's Journey.  I could never tell you what this means to me, to other Army moms and soldiers, and to Dustin.  Just when I think this little town could not possibly show anymore love and kindness, you prove me wrong.  You are all so wonderful.  You see, Dustin and I have seen more then ourselves grow through this process.  We have seen our community grow.  We have seen you all show, not just us, but soldiers and families thousands of miles away how a small town can make a difference.  You have given so much of yourselves, I could never repay it.  Paul and I are proud of our son, but we are proud of where we come from, as well.  there isn't any love like that of community.  Because in the end, they are your family.  much love and many blessings!!!                                    

Reaching Back...

Well, it has been a very long week.  I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster that has taken place in this house.  First, we had a house, then we didn't.  Then we had a house, again.  Now we are just waiting to close on Friday.  Paul and I are trying not to get too excited due to everything we have been through.  So, come next Friday, when the papers are signed and the keys are in my hand...I will rejoice.  I hadn't received a letter from Dustin all week.  I didn't really expect to with him being in sick bay.  But today, not only did we receive a letter from him, but from a young gentleman who we sent a care package to.  I can not tell you the excitement and the sheer feeling of contentment that overtook me.  It is amazing that such a small act of kindness can develop into so much more.  The soldiers letter was short.  He simply stated that he was grateful and that I didn't have to send him anything.  He must have spoken to Dustin, because he sated he knew I would anyway.  the most touching part of this whole thing was the picture he added to the letter for Dylan.  It was drawn in pen.  Talk about making a fourteen year old boys day.  Just last night, Dylan yelled out in his sleep, "Shelby, Dustin called."  In his sleep!  Poor kid misses his brother so much.  As far as I am concerned, that care package was worth everything to see the smile on my boys face.  The soldier simply thanked me, but what he doesn't realize is that, I am the one who should be doing the thanking.  Since this whole thing has started, I have learned so much.  Not just about the other soldiers and their families, but myself, as well.  It is amazing what happens to a person when they open their heart and their mind to giving.  This was so apparent as the day went on.  Post after post from other Army Moms with soldiers in Fort Sill indicated that I was not the only one who got my thank you today.  All I can say is these young men and women are so incredible.  When I set out to write them all, I did it just to say thank you.  I wanted them to know that someone cared.  I did not expect anything in return.  Neither did any of the other mothers.  However, many of the soldiers have done that, and then some.  They have sent letters thanking us.  You see, it isn't about the thank you.  Not for us.  It is about the fact that many of them are starting to see that they matter to someone.  It's about them reaching back.  It's about them letting us know that we are making a difference.  I remember telling my husband and my family that if I only made one soldier smile, out of all those letters, I would be happy.  That was enough for me to keep doing it.  That is all I wanted...to brighten a soldiers day.  What I didn't expect was the emotions it brought out in me.  I went from feeling like a helpless Army Mom, with nothing but sadness, to appreciated and valued.  More then anything, I have a purpose.  Much like my son's purpose is to protect and serve this country.  My duty is to protect and serve those that do just that.  It is what we military families do.  Because in the end, that is what we are.  We are one big, supportive, awesome family.  I have managed to find sponsors for 12 soldiers through Dustin's Journey.  Each match I make is like a special gift I have been blessed with.  It isn't much, and Dustin's Journey has a long way to go, but it is a start.  I hope the start to something great.  I never want a soldier to feel as if they sacrificed themselves for nothing.  That they had no one to get them through their darkest times.  If anything ever happens to me, I need to know that someone has my soldiers back.  It's a big job, but it is worth the challenge.  We all need someone. 

Dustin's letter was short, as they mostly are.  He sounds very excited about graduating.  He has come so far in such a short period of time.  Paul and I are so proud of him.  He is doing what most won't.  More then that, he is loving every minute of it.  He will do great things.  He will do them with great people by his side.  They will all have a supportive family to stand behind them and say, "I got your back."  Nothing means more to an Army Mom then that.  In two weeks, we will be standing there watching, as the kids we sent far from home, march as grown men and women.  They will march with pride, honor, and a sense of accomplishment.  They are no longer children.  They are the men and women that make up the U.S Army.  They are our sense of pride, love, and accomplishment.  We gladly give them to you.  All we ask is that you take care of them, the way they are taking care of you!  Much love and many blessings!               

Time To Think...

Another night, another long night.  The truth is this is one of the hardest nights that I have had in a while.  It isn't like they haven't been bad before.  But, for some reason, tonight is different.  Maybe it is the stress of being sick, the new house (that just seems to be on obstacle after another), Dustin being gone and keeping so many things from him, Bella getting worse, and on and on.  I often wonder, how much does it take a person before they snap in half.  I just keep telling myself that God must think I have broad shoulders.  The truth is, I think He has more confidence in me, right now, then I have in myself.  We are less then three weeks away from him graduating from BCT and a part of me is so excited.  Another part is so worried.  It is one step closer to being done with the "training" portion.  But it is also one step away from being out in the "real world".  I look at the pictures and videos of them training and in some aspect...sure, it's cool.  However, it is a constant reminder of whats to come and the reason he is there.  I have thought many times, about a year from now, two years from now, etc..  Instead of calling Sunday, Dustin called Saturday night.  He said he was calling from sick bay, and my heart nearly fell to my feet.  If it wouldn't have been that it was his voice phone on the other end, I probably would have lost it.  It was a bit overwhelming at first.  He, apparently, got his retina cut from a metal pole.  Due to all the pink eye going around, they stuck him in sick bay.  He has been there a couple of days, and should be out by Monday.  I could tell it was hard for him.  All that down time, for a boy who doesn't sit still well, can be a downfall.  they are not allowed to get mail, write, or any of that in sick bay.  Which made me feel a little better about not getting much mail.  This past week has been very hard.  I thought that not getting a call Sunday would be okay.  Actually, it was harder then I thought.  What kept me going was being able to cheer on fellow Army Mom's as they were getting calls.  I adore all of them, and it did my heart good to see how happy it made them all.  the one good thing in all this...Blue Phase.  the final of three.  It means longer phone calls and graduation is around the corner.

Dustin is not the only one who has had time to think.  I, myself, have done some soul searching.  I am still trying to figure out how to get this Adopt A Soldier program going.  I am thinking that it is best to start out trying to get volunteers to write letters.  I picked up some more boxes from the post office this week.  I would like to send 7 more by the middle of next week.  But need to find a way to afford all the contents and postage.  So, if any have ideas, I am open to them.  It also dawned on me that Dustin has no idea about any of this, along with many other things.  I am still finding out that, even with him being in the Army, he is still young.  I worry about some of the choices he has made for himself and hope that he will come around.  While I am not always thrilled with the choices he makes, I still support him.  Heck!  the boy is 18...what else do you do?  More then that, he is my son.  He is such a good kid, with a big heart.  An easy target for some.  Sure the uniform is cool, but it isn't just an uniform.  It's a lifestyle.  I sit and look at all of the pictures of his friends on Facebook, enjoying their summer.  I wish he had been able to have more time for all that.  They are all going to mud bogs, parties, and vacations.  He is learning how to launch grenades, deal with chemical warfare, and shot an M-16.  There are still many who don't get it.  It is not their fault.  They have limited experience with Military life.  It makes it very hard.  There are very few people to lean on.  The people you think will be there for you aren't.  The ones you never thought in a million years would be, are.  This goes for the soldiers and the families. 

One thing that has gotten me through, time and time again, is my faith in God.  He has taught me so much through this process.  He has taught me that the smallest blessings can be your greatest.  He has taught me that, no matter how far, friends will come into your life to help see you through.  I have learned that there are people who actually want to make a difference in this world.  Even if it is one soldier at a time.  He has taught me that family is more then blood.  Family are your friends, the town in which you live, even complete strangers a thousand miles away.  Finally, he has taught me that He has it all under control.  It is me who has to be willing to give it to Him.  To be honest, I don't know if Dustin will ever read any of this.  I don't even know if my husband and my other two kids read any of it, let alone anyone else.  Don't know if they would be proud of it, or embarrassed by it.  All I know is that I am compelled to let others know they are not alone.  Helping soldiers and their families, has become very important to me.  It is what helps me feel better, when times get rough, and feel closer to Dustin.  It is something I hope my family and friends can be proud of.  Although they are young, I hope that the three kids and husband can understand it and see the difference I can make in others lives.  I hope they see how blessed I am by it all.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in praising them for all the good things, we forget that we need praise, ourselves.  We moms are funny creatures.  We are so good at building everyone else up.  Yet, so bad at giving ourselves credit.  We are good at hiding our fears, making everything look so easy (even when it isn't), and keeping everything running smoothly.  When in reality, we cry behind closed doors, constantly pray for guidance, and our minds are a jumbled mess.  Much love and many blessings!!!                         

Inspiration...

I'm back!!!  Ya'll didn't think I'd let a little thing like a hospital stay keep me away, did ya?  Well, it didn't.  Ha!  Came home today to a letter to top all things off.  It absolutely made my day.  Dustin didn't say much that he hadn't already said on the phone.  But he did say that if he would have named his gun, he would have named it "Black Beauty".  Ha!  I have stated before, the boy loves his guns.  A lot!  We have noticed a trend with his letters.  They usually come on Thursdays and Fridays.  Maybe, that was why I was so determined to get home today.  That and the fact that I am way more comfortable here then in any hospital room.  Ha!  It also turns out that there more positives to being stuck by yourself in a room to do nothing but think.  Boy!  Did I do a lot of that!  Tuesday night proved to be a bit challenging.  All I kept doing was worrying about whether he would find out if I was in the hospital before I could get home.  I knew that if I could get home and be on the rebound, he wouldn't want to stop and come home to see me.  You see, if he would have done that, it would have effected his graduation date.  There is no way on God's little green earth I was going to let that happen.  He has worked way to hard and long for that.  We promised him that things at home would be taken care of and that all he needed to do was take care of him and business at hand.  The idea was for him to keep a clear head.  Nothing is more important then that right now.  The other thing I got to thinking about was this blog, and what I want to accomplish with it.  It has become abundantly clear that many of our soldiers are, for whatever reason, in need of encouragement and support.  Many of them do not have families and friends writing them or sending them care packages.  The circumstances are not important.  What is important is that they should feel that someone cares and appreciates what they are doing.  This thought came to me as I opened my hospital room window and noticed that there was a flag waving in the courtyard.  I started thinking...how many have shed blood, sweat, and tears for that flag?  How many have sacrificed time with their families and friends?  How many gave of themselves with no one to care in return?  Dustin was one of the lucky few.  He not only had the support of friends and family, he had a whole town to support him.  A day or two before my unplanned trip to the other side of health care, I had made an announcement that I was thinking of turning Dustin's Journey into an adopt a soldier program.  Now, I know that there are other programs out there, but would one more hurt.  I mean, let's face it, there are a lot of soldiers out there.  Soldiers with loved ones supporting them and soldiers without it.  I would send all of them care packages, letters, and cards if I could.  The truth is I can not afford it and just plain don't have the ability to do it on my own.  So I find myself in a David and Goliath type of situation.  This blog is my sling shot.  So after long conversations with my husband, family, friends, and others with loved ones who have served...I have decided that this sling shot is going into action.  Now, I have much to think about, details to take care of, and most of all, need to get into a state of healthfulness that will allow me to do this.  It is a big undertaking.  But one that I am more then willing to conquer.  I know that there are many with big hearts willing to help.  The key is keeping it organized and running it smoothly.  I want people to know that they are welcome to just write letters and send cards, or send care packages.  The goal is to have as many soldiers as possible "feel the love".  If there is one thing I have learned through all this, and from talking to others, is that soldiers love getting mail.  A lot!!!!

 I never planned for my life to go in this direction.  I always wanted to be a nurse.  I thought that I would be able to love and care for patients, one on one, for my entire life.  Over the course of the last five years it has become abundantly clear that I am not physically able to do so in the manner that I once did.  It has been a very hard pill to swallow.  At times, it completely shattered my heart to think about it.  It wasn't until my son decided to join the Army that I was able to see the bigger picture.  I am not ashamed to say that I learn just as much from my children as they do from me.  In fact, I am proud of it.  I watched the way Dustin just went into this whole hearted.  I watched as many in this small wonderful town embraced him and our family.  All the while, I was thinking what is God trying to tell me?  What is the purpose for all of this?  How do I even begin to payback all of this wonderful kindness.  I am not expecting to touch thousands of soldiers like bigger organizations.  (At least, not at first).  But what I am trying to do is to let at least one amazing soldier (and they all are amazing) know that he is not alone.  That someone stands behind what he is fighting for.  Just like this town has done for my son.  I do not take what Dustin and the other soldiers are doing lightly.  They work hard and get very little in return.  Not to mention the occasional critic, who likes to turn political spins on the advantages and disadvantages of becoming a soldier.  No matter the individuals reason for becoming a soldier, it is a personal choice and sacrifice someone is making to give us the right to live the life that we do.  That, in my opinion, is something to show appreciation for.  We need to show it to them and their families.  If they don't have families, we need to be their family.  We are one nation, under god.  No matter how hard people try, God will always be a part of what we stand for and who service members and their families look up to for strength.  there is not a soul who has read this blog, and not seen how hard this has been on me.  I chose to share my experience to let others know they are not alone.  I have found much healing and support.  I have made friends with people thousands of miles away that I could never imagine living without now.  It has blessed me in ways I could never explain.  It has shown me that my son will always be supported and appreciated.  That the decision that he made was not only right for him, but means something to someone else.  I have always said he will be an amazing soldier.  I do not take all the credit for that, you all know that.  Everyday it is abundantly clear that Dylan and Shelby are following in his footsteps.  They are just as amazing as he is.  I have stated before that I write these words in honor of my dad and my son, and that I do so that my son will not become one of the forgotten.  I still stand by that statement.  Only now, I say let none of them be forgotten.  Let all of them have a name on that Red Cross card of someone that cares.  Let all of them have someone to pray for them and cheer them on.  It takes so little time and effort to make a soldier feel important.  A piece of paper, a pen, an envelope, a postage stamp, and a thank you.  That is all it takes to make a difference.  As I work out the details and get things going I will be updating you.  As I stated, there is much to be done.  First thing is first, I need to get better.  Please know that the love and support you have not only shown my son, but for me as well, is so greatly appreciated.  I have more blessings then I can count.  You are all a part of my family now.  Never let someone tell you that your physical ability can limit you to the difference you can make in ones life.  I refuse to let my disability define who I am and what I can accomplish.  It has taken me a long time to see that.  It has taken an 18 year old son, who has become my hero to open my eyes.  It is true what they say...not all hero's wear capes.  Much love and many blessings!!!!!!!                    

Army Mom Thoughts...

Well, the phone call came today.  This time it was just before 3pm.  I hadn't expected it that early.  The trend has been for him to call around 6pm.  It was so funny.  The phone rang and Shelby went to check the caller I.D. and just about jumped out of her skin.  She was so excited she couldn't even say anything.  All she could do was shake her hands and hand me the phone to answer it.  Ha!  If you could have seen her face.  It was priceless!  I answered the phone and there he was.  His voice sounded so good.  It is easy to tell he is happy.  Once he started talking, he just kept talking.  Ha!  That is what he does when he is excited.  It is also how I know he is doing so well.  He did say that he got expert for his grenade throwing.  He was disappointed with his shooting but did qualify.  He said it is definitely different shooting at moving targets.  I bet...is all I could think.  He went to say that he was very, very excited about AIT.  I can't tell you how much it eases me to know that he is doing so well and absolutely loving it.  He sounded so grown up.  He thanked everyone who has written him.  He loves getting mail.  He did get more time this week to talk.  But I could hear the Drill Instructor come in and say time was up.  Quickly told him I love him and let him go, as to not get him into any trouble.  He had told me that the only health issues he has had were due to his allergies.  Apparently, he went and got checked out an they gave him the proper meds and is fine now.  I am so glad that is all he has had problems with.  Pneumonia and pink eye seem to be going around quite a bit.

Today's phone call was so great.  However, I found myself in a state of limbo.  I felt caught between depression and excitement.  It is so hard to be encouraging and supportive on that phone, and so easy at the same time.  Hard because you want to reach through that phone and just grab them.  You want to throw your arms around them and never let then go.  Easy because they are your child and you want nothing but the best and success for them.  Someone made a comment earlier that I had no clue as far as how much talking to him helped.  At first, I have to say that it upset me very much.  Trust me...no one knows more then I do.  Then I quickly reminded myself that this is another one of those stupid sayings people just blurt out without thinking about what they are saying and how it effects you.  (Which reminds me, I have to work on that list of things you should never say to an Army mom for this blog.  Ha!)  Believe me, Army moms have more then just a clue.  We live it every single day, night, and minute.  There is not a time that goes by that we do not worry.  We raised these soldiers into the men and women the have become.  We not only "have a clue", we are the ones who have to pick up the pieces when something happens.  Not just the pieces of not doing well in BCT.  Oh no!!!  The pieces when they loss a friend in the line of duty.  We are the ones who have to take care of their families when they are deployed.  The ones who take care of them if they are ever hurt.  We sweep up the pieces when one of their friends, wife, or girlfriends breaks their heart because they decide they can't handle the lifestyle and decide to leave them while they are off on some mountain side somewhere fighting to stay alive.  This is real life, not pretend.  Sometimes, I think it is hard for others to remember that.  They are so caught up in the "coolness" of his job or that he wears an Army uniform.  It is hard for them to see the reality.   This is my sons life, and ours.  It is dangerous, worrisome, and full of uncertainty.  Yes, we are proud.  However, it is I and his father, who have to pick up the pieces if (God forbid) something ever happens to him.  Then we have to try and find a way to carry on without him.  Trust me there is nothing that will keep that out of the back of any Military parents/spouses mind.  As I stated, I am sure the comment was not intended to cause any upsetting emotions.  It just shows the type of things that run through an Army moms head when simple little comments are made and at the wrong time.  I felt really bad for being upset by it.  Dustin would have told me not to worry about it.  He has always been able to just let things roll of his back like they are nothing.  He did not get that from me, by the way.

Many of the soldiers seem to be doing well.  It has added ease to many of us mothers.  I think that we are able to fill our time with writing some of the other soldiers as helped so much.  It makes us all feel so good.  Not only that, it has brought us all closer.  I can remember my mom doing things like throwing parties, buying gifts, and making dinner for many of the soldiers my dad worked with when we were stationed away from home.  Sometimes, you are the only form of family they have.  It is a different kind of family bond that is formed.  Many of these relationships go on for years.  I know, now, why she enjoyed it so much.  The feeling it gives you is unexplainable.  It is a blessing to be able to do it.  More people should.  Much love and many blessings!!!!!                    

Something Different...

Well, what started out being a really rotten week, ended up being pretty darn good.  We got another letter today from Dustin.  It was a very unexpected surprise.  I think that he is out to prove me wrong about the not writing home thing.  Ha!  That is fine.  I will let him try his hardest!  Ha!  This letter was a bit longer then the last two.  He mailed it on the 17th.  So, the mail is moving faster.  He passed his second physical fitness test with flying colors.  He was so excited because he beat his last two mile run by like "2, if not 3" minutes.  This tells me so much.  Dustin made working out a part of his life, long before he joined the Army.  He was already in great shape when he left.  So, I know he is still as serious about it has he always was.  He did say that, surprisingly, they had quite a bit of free time.  I think this is partial because Dustin could never sit still.  He was always outside doing stuff, or running the roads.  Ha!!  He misses Dylan and Shelby so much.  He told Shelby that, as soon as he got home, she could start baking.  Dustin was always a sucker for cookies.  Especially homemade cookies.  He said he is doing really well and is very happy.  This brings my mind to ease a bit.  I know that many of the soldiers in training have been having a challenging time.  I am sure Dustin has had his.  But he has managed to keep his spirits up.  He mentioned that many of his friends had received the cards I sent.  He thanked me for them.  It made me feel so good.  Not just for them, but that it helps me feel closer to him.  It is like having a piece of me there.  I always want him to feel that I am there with him.  Maybe not physically, but in spirit.  I know he is missing home a little.  He brought up how much he missed falling asleep in the chair, at night, while the two of us listened to music.  Since I have almost always worked midnights, I have done my housework at night.  If the two younger kids were gone, Dustin and I would put on a little music.  We share a passion for hard rock and heavy metal.  Sometimes, we would put on a little Contemporary Christian music (another favorite we share).  I would clean the kitchen and he would sit while we visited and caught up with everything.  I miss those nights, too.  I miss them very much.  Those talks would go on for hours.  I have always had a very open relationship with my kids.  We both learned so much about each other on those nights.  Oh my goodness!  When I think of the laughs we shared, it makes my gut aches.  Ha!!!  This picture was taken, during one of those nights, about two weeks before he left.

This time it was more then a letter.  There was something different in the words and how it was written.  It made me realize a couple of things.  The first thing is that my little boy has grown into a man.  There were some things of a private nature that concerned me before he left.  I have to say that he put some of them to rest in this letter.  He showed that his priorities have changed and that, although still carefree, he is starting to think things through better before he makes his decisions.  Am I still worried?  Well, of course I am.  I am his mother.  That is my job.  Let's be honest.  When it comes to our children, nothing is ever good enough.  Not any school, job, or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Especially, if those things give us reason to be concerned.  However, my children know that, although I may not always be happy with their decisions, I will always stand behind and be there for them.  They are my children, and they are always my first priority.  If those decisions workout for them.  That's great.  If not, I always explain to them how important it is learn from them.  Today's letter also showed me that all those small memories (along with the big one) are just as special and important to him as they are me.  This is, as they say, reaping the benefits of what you sow.  All the Drill Sergeants in the world can't take those out of a soldiers mind.  When it comes right down to it, it is what gets him through the rough moments.  Just like it does me.  I hang on to those moments.  They are precious beyond believe.  They also comfort me and see me through the same rough times.  I take comfort in knowing that he will have them with him no matter what.  Whether he is stuck in the barracks waiting for the phone to ring, or on a mountainside somewhere in some foreign country oceans away.  They are memories only a parent can give a child, and vice versa.  The tears that fall from my eyes, while remembering them, are not just tears of sadness.  They represent joy, love, and countless other emotions.  Someday, he will share them with his children, as well as make his own. 

Today also brought more good news.  It looks like we are going to get a phone call tomorrow.  Not sure what time, as usual.  Sundays have turned into the one a day everyone makes it a point to be home.  I don't even have to bribe them any!  Ha!  Dylan and Shelby simply tell their friends that they want to be home for Dustin's call.  No one questions it or pressures them.  They have wonderful friends.  Paul and I are so grateful.  They have helped the kids so much.  Let's face it, sometimes you just need a friend.  Mom and dad are just not the same.  A lot to go through, I know, for a 7 minute phone call.  But no amount of money or gold in the world would be worth missing it for.  We will all spend the day watching TV, being on the computer, and enjoying each others company while we wait.  I know that I am not the only mom that will be waiting.  I am sure that I will connect with a few others throughout the day.  They are all just as excited as I am.  Much love and many blessings!!!