We Still Have A Long Way To Go...

Well, it's over.  He made it through BCT.  I can not tell you how very proud of him Paul and I are.  It is a bittersweet experience.  There is no greater feeling then watching your child live their dream.  However, there is no sadder feeling then the feeling you get when you must leave them with no real answers as to when you will see them again.  The last five days have been a roller coaster of emotions and activities.  Not even really sure that I can fit it all in one blog post.  One of my greatest moments was when I watched my son march across that stage.  There he was, not quite four months from the time he graduated from high school.  Only this time he was dressed in Army dress blues and not a cap and gown.  For any parent who has tried to sum that feeling up into words, it is hard.  The truth is, there isn't any.  You don't know whether to cry or to jump up and down.  All I wanted to do was to give him the biggest hug.  However, that was made impossible by the fact that they bused them off so quickly, we couldn't.  By the time we were able to get him for the night it was after 5:30.  We had dinner together and went back to the hotel to hang out.  Since my plane left around 10 A.M. on Saturday, we had to drop him off early.  I did manage to hold it together.  No tears...that is until after I dropped him off and exited the building.  At that moment, I felt a huge ache in my chest.  An emptiness that I couldn't get back.  All I wanted, at that point, was to run back, grab him, and stick him in the car with me.  But that, as we all know, was impossible.  So the next best thing was to have someone give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay.  All I needed was a moment to absorb the fact that I had just dropped my son off and was not sure if I would see him again in October or at Christmas or possibly even later.  Added to the pressure of having to break all that news to his family, I was completely overwhelmed.  I didn't need someone to compare it to something else or to make it about something else.  I just needed that few minutes to get my thoughts together and accept what was.  I needed that moment to be about me and my son.  That isn't what happened at all.  To top it all off, there was an Army Mom on the plane who got to bring her soldier home with her.  I was so jealous, and so mad at myself for feeling that way.  I was happy for her because she could bring him home, yet sad because I had to leave my soldier behind.  Did not help my situation, in the least bit.  So 10 hours and two plane rides later, I was finally in my husbands arms and broke down.  And I have still had my moments since then.  I will continue to have those moments, I am sure.  I have never tried to compare this situation to anyone else's or what I am feeling to anyone else.  I feel that every situation is different.  Please, understand, that my story is just that...my story.  I am sure there are Army Moms out there who experience it differently.  I carry so much pride, yet so much worry.  I worry because I am Dustin's mom.  It is my job to worry about him.  If there is one piece of advice I could give anyone, it is never let someone make you feel like worrying about your child is wrong or ridiculous.  No matter how old they are.  You are their mother.  If you didn't worry about them, there would definitely be something wrong.

When Dustin started his journey, I did not know how I would get through it.  I did not know a lot of other mothers who were going through the same as I was.  Then I found this wonderful group of ladies, who all had soldiers that were in BCT with Dustin.  We have seen each other through good times and bad.  We have sat up talking about so many other things besides our soldiers.  While we had formed an incredible friendship and bond online, we had never really met.  That is until this weekend.  I got to meet several of the Army Moms that I had been communicating with.  All I can say is that they are even more special then I thought.  These women and their soldiers have become a part of my daily life.  They are my Army family.  We have been through much together, and will continue to go through things together.  They are true, dear friends.  I have been so blessed to have met each and everyone of them.  They have not only helped me, but inspired me as well.  It was one simple act that led to making a couple of soldiers feel important and cared for that gave me the idea for Dustin's Journey and sponsoring soldiers.  They did it because they cared, not for any other reason.  Because they are good people, not just seeking accolades.  I believe that an Army Mom's love can go very far.  Far beyond the support and love of one soldier.  It can spread among dozens.  You may be asking if we will continue to communicate and be there for each other.  Yes, we will.  In fact, many of our soldiers are doing AIT together at Fort Sill.  God does work in mysterious ways.  That is for sure.

There are still many unanswered questions.  When is Dustin coming home?  What can we send him in AIT?  What happens after AIT?  Let me just say that the only answers I have, at this moment, are sketchy, at best.  More definite answers will come in 3-4 weeks when he gets his orders for his first duty station.  He may be home in October, if he is sent overseas.  At that time, we have been told it will only be for 5 days.  If he isn't sent overseas, he will probably not be home until Christmas.  He has expressed that this is the route in which he is leaning.  If he comes home in October, he just won't have a lot of time.  His current Graduation date is October 3, 2013.  So, he will miss Homecoming.  As for care packages, we are told they are not allowed to have treats in their rooms.  Therefore, we ask that until we are given the okay from Dustin, you not send them.  AIT is not the same as basic training.  However, we were told that the physical training is intense, the standards are higher, and they want them in the best shape possible.  Energy drinks, fast food, and basically, any other form of junk food is discouraged.  Some have made comments about the size of Dustin's arms.  Well, watch out, because the Army isn't done with him yet.  Other details will come with other blog posts.  As I stated, there were many things to tell.  But for now, we feel it is important for you to all understand that he is happy.  In fact, I don't think I have ever seen him so focused, relaxed, content, and just plain ecstatic about anything in his life.  We owe you all so much.  Your love and support have been nothing short of amazing.  Your love and support for him (as well as other soldiers) have made my family so proud of where we come from.  Again we love and thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.  Much love and many blessings.         

It All Comes Full Cricle...

Got a letter today from our soldier.  You know those moments that you hear about.  You know the ones.  The ones when you realize that all those hours of worry, constant badgering, arguing, and everything else was worth it.  The moment all the responsibilities of being a parent payoff.  I'm not talking about the moments when they graduate from high school, find the job of their dreams, get married, or anything like that.  I'm talking about the moment you realize your child "gets it".  Yup, well that moment came to me today in the form of a letter.  This was the longest letter he had written, to date.  As always, he went on to say he was excited for graduation and that he loved what he was doing.  He passed his final PT exam with flying colors.  He wrote that he missed everyone so much.  It was what came after all that made me a complete mess.  Now, let me just say that I know my son has never been a saint.  I mean, he is a good kid, but like with every teen, we have had our concerns and battles where certain things come into play.  As I read this letter, it became perfectly clear that many of those concerns would be put to rest.  He wrote about how much he appreciated everything that mom and dad had done for him.  He went on to say that he still had a lot of growing up to do, but that he had become the man and soldier he is today because of everything I had taught him.  I don't have to tell you how much that meant to me.  This was the first time he had ever said something like that to me.  Oh sure, it's always been implied...but never actually put into words.  As parents, we look for validation.  Not just from our peers, but from our children.  Validation that we did everything right.  That we didn't "mess up", so to speak.  I have to tell you that no validation, from peers, even comes close to that of hearing it from your own child.  When I was diagnosed, I worried so much.  Worried that my children would suffer.  Paul and I did everything in our power to keep them as unaffected by it as possible.  If truth be told, a tiny part of me thought maybe Dustin joined the Army to get away from it.  Although, he has always wanted to join the Army, I thought maybe he had also seen it as a ticket out.  That wasn't the case, at all.  He joined for many reasons, but one was because Paul and I have always encouraged the kids to follow their dreams.  We also always taught never to take things for granted.  Not friends, family, just life in general.  He proved in this letter that he is so grateful.  He has never been good at expressing his feelings.  He has always been a boy of few words.  I think many teenage boys are (or full grown men, for that matter).  As I read the letter, the tears started falling.  In fact, Shelby made the comment to Paul, "She made it two days."  Ha!  Then when Dylan read it, he stated, "Yup, that made mom cry."  That is just a testament to how this past 8-10 weeks as been.  But all those tears and worries were validated by my sons, almost 4 page, letter today.

I have learned that the Army doesn't just change the soldier, it changes the entire family, as well.  The family bonds become closer and stronger.  I have often heard people make the comment, "It's too bad you can't pick your family members."  I think to myself, would these people think differently if they didn't have any family?  I, along with other Army Moms, have been writing encouraging letters and cards to some of the soldiers in training that have no family to support them.  I could not imagine what it would be like to go through something like BCT without the love and support that one needs.  Some have wrote back and stated what a blessing it has been to them.  What they don't understand, is that it is just as much a blessing for me, as it is them.  It has brought me closer to the other Army moms, to the soldiers, and to my son.  Money can't buy the type of happiness these precious gifts have brought me.  the Lord works in the most peculiar ways sometimes.  In the beginning, it was just about Dustin joining the Army and how I was going to deal with it.  Has time as gone on, I see that God's plan wasn't just for Dustin to grow, but for this Army Mom to grow, as well.  It helped me realize, that no matter the obstacles or disabilities, a person can make difference in someone's life.  It has also shown me that, if you open yourself up to it, others can make a difference in your life.  I was scared of my pending disability.  Now, I accept it and know that it doesn't mean that I can't still live a productive rewarding life.  It doesn't define me as a person, and certainly not as a mother. 

So, the next two weeks are going to be crazy in the Crowl household.  First of all, we got the house we have been waiting on for like four months.  We sign papers and , hopefully, get the keys on Friday afternoon.  I can't tell you how happy and reassuring it is for me.  However, I will be on pins and needles till it is done and those keys are in my hands.  It gives us approximately 8 weeks to get everything settled and plan for Dustin to come home on leave.  On the 15th of this month, Paul or I will be headed to Oklahoma to see our son graduate from BCT.  I was planning on going, but given my body's unfortunate timing, am not sure if I can get the time off to go.  So, Paul will go in my place.  It is sad, but a reality that can't be avoided.  Besides that, Paul deserves to be there just as much as I do.  What a proud moment for him to be able and see his son graduate from BCT.  There is school starting soon, Football starting, Shelby's Senior pictures to get scheduled, and Dustin's Journey to run.  So, we will be anything but bored.  I am sure it will be crazy, but we will get through it.  You have all been so supportive and given so much of yourselves to our family.  Some have even volunteered to sponsor soldiers through Dustin's Journey.  I could never tell you what this means to me, to other Army moms and soldiers, and to Dustin.  Just when I think this little town could not possibly show anymore love and kindness, you prove me wrong.  You are all so wonderful.  You see, Dustin and I have seen more then ourselves grow through this process.  We have seen our community grow.  We have seen you all show, not just us, but soldiers and families thousands of miles away how a small town can make a difference.  You have given so much of yourselves, I could never repay it.  Paul and I are proud of our son, but we are proud of where we come from, as well.  there isn't any love like that of community.  Because in the end, they are your family.  much love and many blessings!!!                                    

Reaching Back...

Well, it has been a very long week.  I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster that has taken place in this house.  First, we had a house, then we didn't.  Then we had a house, again.  Now we are just waiting to close on Friday.  Paul and I are trying not to get too excited due to everything we have been through.  So, come next Friday, when the papers are signed and the keys are in my hand...I will rejoice.  I hadn't received a letter from Dustin all week.  I didn't really expect to with him being in sick bay.  But today, not only did we receive a letter from him, but from a young gentleman who we sent a care package to.  I can not tell you the excitement and the sheer feeling of contentment that overtook me.  It is amazing that such a small act of kindness can develop into so much more.  The soldiers letter was short.  He simply stated that he was grateful and that I didn't have to send him anything.  He must have spoken to Dustin, because he sated he knew I would anyway.  the most touching part of this whole thing was the picture he added to the letter for Dylan.  It was drawn in pen.  Talk about making a fourteen year old boys day.  Just last night, Dylan yelled out in his sleep, "Shelby, Dustin called."  In his sleep!  Poor kid misses his brother so much.  As far as I am concerned, that care package was worth everything to see the smile on my boys face.  The soldier simply thanked me, but what he doesn't realize is that, I am the one who should be doing the thanking.  Since this whole thing has started, I have learned so much.  Not just about the other soldiers and their families, but myself, as well.  It is amazing what happens to a person when they open their heart and their mind to giving.  This was so apparent as the day went on.  Post after post from other Army Moms with soldiers in Fort Sill indicated that I was not the only one who got my thank you today.  All I can say is these young men and women are so incredible.  When I set out to write them all, I did it just to say thank you.  I wanted them to know that someone cared.  I did not expect anything in return.  Neither did any of the other mothers.  However, many of the soldiers have done that, and then some.  They have sent letters thanking us.  You see, it isn't about the thank you.  Not for us.  It is about the fact that many of them are starting to see that they matter to someone.  It's about them reaching back.  It's about them letting us know that we are making a difference.  I remember telling my husband and my family that if I only made one soldier smile, out of all those letters, I would be happy.  That was enough for me to keep doing it.  That is all I wanted...to brighten a soldiers day.  What I didn't expect was the emotions it brought out in me.  I went from feeling like a helpless Army Mom, with nothing but sadness, to appreciated and valued.  More then anything, I have a purpose.  Much like my son's purpose is to protect and serve this country.  My duty is to protect and serve those that do just that.  It is what we military families do.  Because in the end, that is what we are.  We are one big, supportive, awesome family.  I have managed to find sponsors for 12 soldiers through Dustin's Journey.  Each match I make is like a special gift I have been blessed with.  It isn't much, and Dustin's Journey has a long way to go, but it is a start.  I hope the start to something great.  I never want a soldier to feel as if they sacrificed themselves for nothing.  That they had no one to get them through their darkest times.  If anything ever happens to me, I need to know that someone has my soldiers back.  It's a big job, but it is worth the challenge.  We all need someone. 

Dustin's letter was short, as they mostly are.  He sounds very excited about graduating.  He has come so far in such a short period of time.  Paul and I are so proud of him.  He is doing what most won't.  More then that, he is loving every minute of it.  He will do great things.  He will do them with great people by his side.  They will all have a supportive family to stand behind them and say, "I got your back."  Nothing means more to an Army Mom then that.  In two weeks, we will be standing there watching, as the kids we sent far from home, march as grown men and women.  They will march with pride, honor, and a sense of accomplishment.  They are no longer children.  They are the men and women that make up the U.S Army.  They are our sense of pride, love, and accomplishment.  We gladly give them to you.  All we ask is that you take care of them, the way they are taking care of you!  Much love and many blessings!