A Heart So Big...

The letters are coming in daily, almost, it seems.  I am so excited that he is actually writing home so much.  I have to be honest, I didn't really think he would be able to write home this much.  Today's letter was different though.  Encouraging, yet different.  I could sense the home sickness in this one.  He did admit to having a hard time sleeping the past three nights.  Admitted to having a lot on his mind.  This is something I knew would happen.  It must be so hard to be going through so much emotionally and physically, only to be so far away from the ones who have helped you get through some of the toughest times in your life.  As a mom, I find it extremely hard not to be able to be there to put his mind at ease.  I write and I try to stay encouraging.  However, it is not quite the same as being able to put my arms around him and comfort him in person.  The ironic thing is, I know exactly what he is going through on some level.  I lay there sometimes and the thoughts just start running through my mind.  This next few months are only the start of his journey.  More then likely, there are going to be harder times a head.  It is both naive and unrealistic to think otherwise.  When they are little, we put baby gaits up, buckle them in seat belts, and go through hoops to keep them safe.  When something does happen, we move heaven and earth to fix the wounds, heal the illness, or dry the tears.  What happens when they grow up and decide to spend their life in an environment that it anything but safe?  Then who takes care of them when we aren't there to do it?  I know that he is in good hands.  That puts some of my mind at easy.  But it doesn't stop the occasional wave of worry and fear that sits in my heart and my stomach.  Don't get me wrong.  I am so proud of the young man he has become.  I have as much faith in him as I do pride.   He is going to be an awesome soldier.  It is the circumstances in which we have no control over that worry me.  The mind is a powerful thing.  Yet even more powerful is what feeds the mind.  Unfortunately, not all of what we see and experience are positive influences.  I pray that Dustin learns that even through these negative experiences, it is the positive energy that sees us through.  Encouragement of ourselves and others.  Faith that there is a higher power to see us through.  Gratitude for the things we have and love.  And the love of life and those in our lives to share our experiences with.  These are the factors that allow us to keep the negative influences from taking us over.  I hope with all my body and soul he knows this.  His heart is so big.  I often wonder how one person could hold so much love in one body.  A heart like that is meant to be shared with as many as possible.  It is a blessing to those that experience it.  But it can be a burden to those that possess it.  The bigger the heart, the more pieces to pick up when it breaks.  These are the reasons I remain so encouraging and positive to him.  This is the reason he needs to keep as clear a head as possible.  This has been his dream his whole life.  I know my son better then he knows himself.  To lose this, or disappoint anyone in the process, would crush him.  To have anything happen to him, would crush me.  I often wonder...can I be this strong?  Can I do this?  The answer is "Yes, I can".  I have to.  I am mom, and this is what mom does.

It would seem that he is finally getting mail from home.  Shelby and I figured it takes approx. 5 days for him to get our things we send.  Hopefully, this will help his spirits.  It would seem that he is a much better writer then he gave himself credit for.  Or maybe, he just found something to spark his passion.  The handwriting stinks, and the spelling is less then perfect.  However, he leaves us with such a good sense of what he is feeling and going through.  He makes us laugh and makes us cry.  Nevertheless, he is writing and we know he is with us in spirit though his letters.

Wherever your mind is tonight, Buddy, just know that God will keep you and me.  Know that no matter what, you could never disappoint anyone.  You have already made us all so proud.  I know you can do this.  Knowing you...you'll do it better then anyone.  Mom loves you!!!!! 

Much love and many blessings my friends!!!!!!!    

        

One Simple Phrase

These past few years, I never realized how much my children really paid attention.  Not only to what I was going through, but how I was going through it.  For those that don't know, I have Addison's Disease and a deforming form of Rheumatoid and Psoriatic Arthritis.  My three children went from having a young, energetic mother to having a tired, often sore, and (in some ways disabled) mom.  This has all happened within a very short period of time (about 5 years).  Yet, through it all, I have tried to keep positive and use my issues to show them that what you go through in life isn't important.  It's how you go through it.  Well, yesterday it was made very clear that Dustin was listening.  We got two letters.  In one, he had said that it was a hard day.  His words, "We got smoked today."  The next phrase is what brought tears to my eyes.  It was, "That which does not break us, only makes us stronger, right mom?"  It was his way of saying, mom if you can do it, I can.  Not only was he listening, but he was learning from it.  He took all those moments, and used it to get him through one of his toughest.  I could never imagine what he is going through.  On the flip side, he could never know what I go through.  But somehow, his ability and my disability found away of coming together thousands miles away.  As parents, we question the things we teach our children.  Did we prepare them for life well enough?  What kind of adults will they become?  Are they ready?  In one simple phrase, that question was answered for me.  The funny thing is, that has the letters keep coming, I realize that he is happy.  He absolutely loves the Army.  Leave it to my kid to think Boot Camp is cool.  Ha!  As I suspected, he had not received any of our letters yet.  I am reassured that it is the process of getting them to him that is the hold up.  I am okay with that.  He keeps writing and so do I.  He is going to have so much reading to do when everything gets to him, it isn't funny.  So his reading skills will get a workout as well.  Ha!

Both his letters were very positive.  He proceeded to fill me in on the current spider population in Oklahoma.  Ha!  Illustrations and all.  Ha!  He is excited to celebrate his first Fourth of July on a military base, even in Boot Camp.  I have always told stories of when I was a kid and how the celebrations on Army bases were just different.  I am glad he is getting to experience some of the things he has only heard stories about.  He also informed me that his first experience with the gas chamber was coming up this week.  I cringed, but know it is a must.  We can tell ourselves what we want, but it doesn't change the fact that it is Boot Camp, not Summer Camp.  They are all there for a reason.  It isn't suppose to be easy.  Somehow, in every letter, he gets more positive.  I am sure some of it is because he doesn't want me to worry.  Yet, I can't help but see a change happening.  Don't get me wrong...it is a good change.  My husband and I have talked about it.  He is changing from a child to a man.  Not just any man, but a soldier.  Bittersweet, but we knew it would happen.  The little boy that only dreamed about being G.I. Joe is slowly becoming him.  I am so proud.  I am prouder, yet, that he is with such a positive and wonderful group of young people.  Some of you have checked out Bravo Battery's Facebook page and Bravo Battery Boosters Facebook page.  I have started to get to know some of the family members to the wonder people Dustin is with.  They are a very supportive group.  If you get a chance you can check them out.  I ask that you keep them all in your prayers.  What a wonderful example of support and love they are.  Again, I thank you for your continued support.  Not just to my family, but to others just like it.  It means more then you could ever know.  Everyday, someone asks us about Dustin.  It only shows how much this town cares.  We love and are proud of all of you.  Much love and many blessings from this proud Army mom!!!        

Gotta Love the U.S. Postal System...

Well, we got another letter, today, from Dustin.  I am so impressed with the U.S. Postal System, right now.  He mailed the letter on the 21st, and we got it today.  Or maybe it is that I am just happy to be getting things from him.  lol!  Dylan was so funny.  He went out to check the mail and wouldn't let me have it when he came in.  He proceeded to sit in Paul's chair, put his feet up, and open the letter.  lol!!!  He was so excited.  However, Shelby was a little upset.  she has been gone the last two times we have gotten letters.  She misses her brother so much.  Hopefully, in two weeks (if he is allowed to call), she will be home to talk to him.  Dustin's letter was very positive.  To be honest with you, I did not expect to receive another one for a while.  So, it made my day.  He loves the Army.  He likes his Drill Sergeant's, as well.  You could sense a little bit of home sickness, but that is to be expected.  He did say he was in Group A, out of A, B, and C for his physical training.  I am not sure what that means, but he said it was good.  He also asked if we could send him some personal hygiene products.  Apparently, he asked if they could have Axe, and the Drill Sergeant's were okay with it.  I guess he got a Bible from the Chaplain and said he had been reading it every night.  I am so proud of that.  It is proof that if you raise your kids with God, at some point, they will look to Him for strength and guidance.  I have noticed that his writing is getting better.  Not that it matters to me, because as long as he is writing, I really don't care.  lol!!!!  I could never describe the feeling that it gives me to know how well he is adjusting.  I am sure it is harder then he tells us.  However, Dustin being who he is, does not want me to worry more then I would.  The crazy thing is that as he gets further into this, the better I feel about it. 

Through all this I have been able to read posts by other loved one's on the Facebook page and see photos of the other soldiers (none of Dustin yet).  It makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one going through all this.  I have also found healing in encouraging some of them.  Maybe this is God's plan for me...I don't know.  All I know is that it is a lot easier to help others through it, then to sit here and let my mind wonder.  Or maybe it is the nurse in me...who knows.  lol!!  I have found other things to fill my time.  I am working on some new recipes and posts for my other blog, among other things.  All I know is that I could never get through this without all of you.  Your support means so much to Paul and I.  More then that, it means the world to Dustin.  He is so happy when I tell him about all the kind wishes and support.  He is going to flip when he sees all the page views this blog has gotten.  When I started this, it was just away for us to keep family, friends, and the rest of the town up to date.  It has sort of turned into a whole new meaning.  Not just for me, but others.  I am still working on a few things for it.  But so far, I am very happy with how it is coming along.  I want tot be able to add photos of other soldiers.  So, if you would like to have their picture on the "In Honor" page.  Please send me a picture.  I am not sure if it will let you post them yourself, but you are welcome to try.  I ask that you add name, rank, branch, and who they belong to.  It would be a great addition to this site, just in time for the 4th of July.  I want this blog to be for everyone, not just me.  Much love and many blessings!!!!      

Three Weeks...

As of Monday, Dustin will have been gone for three weeks.  It has been a long three weeks, let me tell you.  However, we are managing to get through.  I did find out today that it will be, at least, another two weeks before he is able to call home.  He is in what is known as the Red Phase of BCT.  This is one of three and the White phase (which is next) is when they earn a phone call home.  Remember, I said "Earn".  I have stated before that the Army has purpose for everything.  If there is one thing I remember from being an Army Brat, it is that.  So, if the team doesn't perform as expected, or if he doesn't perform as expected...no call.  I am okay with that.  (I am actually sitting here thinking that I could learn a thing or two from the Drill Sergeant's).  An occasional letter, is enough for me.  I know he is doing something that is important to him.  I also realized (especially after his first letter) that he is thinking about doing this for a long time.  So, I better get used to it now.  I have been able to view his Battalion's Facebook page and read some of the things posted by other parents.  Some of these young men and women haven't even finished High School yet.  I guess they are doing BCT over the summer, going back to finish Senior Year, and then off to the next step.  I thank goodness I am not one of those parents.  I give them a lot of credit.  Don't know if I would hold up so well.  It is nice to read others stories, though.  Found out I am not the only parent who ran out and sent paper, envelopes, etc..  Not that I would have let it stop me, of course.  lol!  Just nice to know that others are thinking the same way I am.

Dylan and Shelby have been doing better.  Of course, there are times they miss him a lot.  But they have been spending time with their friends and some of Dustin's friends as well.  I think somehow it makes them feel closer to him.  Dylan actually took a nap in their room today.  This is the first time, since Dustin left, that he has done this.  So, we are making progress.  Paul has kept busy and been helping me out.  I have had some minor set backs with my Addison's recently and am trying to take care of it.  Not so easy for a body that doesn't really work well to begin with.  However, I sit and think of what Dustin must be going through on a daily basis.  The training, the weather, and adjusting to a whole new lifestyle.  Then, I look at the rest of my beautiful family.  It gives me the motivation I need.  If he can do it, I can.  Besides, the last thing I want him to find out while he is gone, is that I am in the hospital.  Not good...and not going to happen.

I ask that you keep all of these young men and women (families included) in your prayers.  To be so young, and sacrifice so much is courageous.  I have stated before that today's young people are underestimated.  Most grown adults do not face the decisions and sacrifice these young people will.  I think , if anything, we could learn a few things from today's young people.  Much love and many blessings!!!             
   

Short But...Oh So Sweet!!!!

As many of you know, yesterday was not a good day.  Top that off with the fact that we started packing up some of his stuff for the move...it was a horrible day.  Who knew that one room could hold so much sentiment.  I laughed, cried, and cussed (if you have seen the boys room, you would understand.  lol!).  Today, however, I came back from my doctors appointment and there were two letters waiting for me.  One was from Dustin and the other was from his Commander.  I tell you, it made my day.  He really, really likes the Army.  Boot camp sucks (it is suppose to), but he really likes it.  Talked about making a lifelong career out of it.  I have spoken about my wish for my children to find what they love.  I think Dustin has done just that.  Knowing this helps me so much.  That is all I want for each of my children.  Yes, on my mission to be the best darn Army Mom on the planet, I have already been to the post office.  lol!  I sent him some paper, self-addressed envelopes (he took stamps with him), and a couple of cards.  Not only will it make writing easier for him, but it gave me something I could do to help.  I have been going out of my mind trying to think of things I could do or send to make it easier for him.  He apologized for the paper he was using, stating he hadn't had a chance to get to the PX yet.  So, there was my first mission.  Silly boy, just the fact that he wrote is enough.  It is funny how we get cranky about doing everyday things like laundry, being taxi, and other mom and dad stuff.  You don't realize how much you want to do those things until they aren't here to do them for anymore.  I view everything as a blessing, now.  Not just for Dustin, but Shelby and Dylan, as well.  Someday, they will be off on their own and won't need us to do those things anymore.  It really does become a part of who we are as parents.  I have learned to cherish and learn from everything.  Even the bad moments.

I do have Dustin's address.  A dear friend of his also has it, but we ask that you ask his family for it, please.  His grandparents and other family haven't even gotten it yet.  Once the family has it, I will gladly send it to whoever messages me with the request.  You can leave me a message here, or message me on Facebook.  Sorry to be so private, but it is something we all have to get used to.  Better start now.  Not just that, but according to the Commander's letter (although they encourage letters from home), there is a certain way to address his mail to ensure he gets it.  Keep in mind that he is very busy, and the mailing system while in Boot Camp can be unreliable.  You might mail him something on the 25th and it might take him 2 weeks to get it.  He does ask that, at least until AIT, we keep it to letters and cards.  Once he is in AIT, care packages might mean less sit-ups and push-ups.  lol!!!!  Believe me, I have heard and read stories.  Once again, Dustin and our family are truly grateful for all your support.  I am sure that, once the mail starts rolling in, Fort Sill and the U.S. Army are going to be well acquainted with Beaverton, Mi..  Not only that, but they will realize that we are the most supportive town ever.  We love our country.  We love our town.  We especially love our soldiers.  But more then any of that, we take care of our own.  I am so proud of where we come from.  You are all so special to us.  Much love and many blessings!  Oh yeah...and HOOAH!!!!!               

Rough Day...

So, it begins.  The long days and lonely feeling.  It's funny how you can have a house full of teenagers and dogs, and it can feel like the loneliest place on earth.  I can't help but look outside and think that a day like today is perfect for fishing.  Dustin's two passions in life...hunting and fishing.  I often joke that one day we are going to turn on Bass Masters (on ESPN), and there will be my son, in his glory, fighting to catch the biggest bass he can.  He loves fishing so much.  At this moment, however, he is probably only wishing he was out on that lake.  I do take comfort in knowing he is doing what he has always dreamed of and happy.  It goes a long way when you have raised your children to follow their heart.  The problem is, that I never imagined that Dustin's heart would be so big.  A gift like that is not meant to be contained.  It is meant to be shared with as many as possible.  As I sit here and write this I am flooded with memories of all the things he has said and done for others over the last 18 years.  It's funny, but when Dustin was a baby, I held him in my arms and knew he was going to make a difference.  I didn't know how, but I knew he would.  Is it strange that I think of my own son as my hero?  I hope not.  We should all be so lucky to watch our children grow into someone others look up to.  However, I do find myself asking why it has to be my son.  I know this sounds selfish, but I can't help the way I feel.  I am supportive, but the worry and the uncertainty are always in the back of my mind.  In the long run, I guess it has to be somebody's son.  I am still running into people who really don't understand what it is Dustin is going to be doing.  Even people with loved ones in the military, sometimes, don't quite get it.  I just try to be patient.  I pray that they never have to know what it feels like to know that your loved one is basically at the U.S. Army's beckon call.  There is a reason Dustin's job is to sit and wait by the phone.  Someone told me that the military has to give them 30 days of leave before they deploy.  Maybe for their loved one, but unfortunately, that is not how it works for mine.  (I wish).  We have been told that if they call, they could give him two weeks or they could have in on a plane to God only knows where in 4 hours.  More then likely we will not know where he is or for how long.  So, I view this time as training for all of us (not just Dustin).  The old saying "No news is good news" has really taken on a new meaning.  It is times like this I rely on my faith.  God has a plan for Dustin.  Unfortunately, from what we have been told, we will find out sooner, rather then later.  

Things here have been good.  Dylan has been spending a lot of time with his friends.  I think this is helping him.  I know it is helping me.  If he is busy, he isn't driving me crazy.  I love my youngest son to death, but he is such a free spirit.  It has been hard to keep him occupied without Dustin here to play buffer.  Shelby and I have found comfort in movies.  We are watching Laura Croft:  Tomb Raider, right now.  Love this movie and she has never seen it.  (And I ask myself, is it any surprise that Dustin chose to do what he did?  lol!)  Paul is keeping busy.  We are just waiting to here when we can close on our new house.  We were warned that Rural Development loans take a long time.  We just didn't know it would take this long.  In the meantime, we are still waiting to get Dustin's letter in the mail.  Dylan has made it his personal mission to check the mail everyday.  Funny, how a month ago, these three fought like cats and dogs.  Now, they would give anything to hear from Dustin.  I have seen a change in Dylan and Shelby's relationship, as well.  They are closer then they have ever been.  However, you can tell there is a piece of the puzzle missing.  It's like an ice cream Sunday without the cherry on top.  It is still an ice cream Sunday.  Yet, without that added special detail, it doesn't have quite the same effect.  We have all changed in some small way.  Good changes, I am sure.  Family, friends, and community have taken on new meanings.  There is a special connection we feel with all of you.  You read this blog, show us your support, and have expressed more love then I ever thought one community could.  You have become a part of our family.  Some of Dustin's friends have been just wonderful.  I know that there will come a time he will ask about them.  They are so important to him.  I once told Dustin that true friends show themselves when times become hard and uncertain.  It is not only the sign of a true friend, but the sign of a great person.  I know that it is hard for many of them to relate to what he is going through.  Here they are all preparing for college, and he is out there preparing to hunt down people who would like nothing more then to see our country go to ruins.  I know they are proud, as we are, of him.  They tell us.  I am truly grateful that he has grown up with these young adults.  I have often said that this generation is so underestimated.  I have seen Dustin and his friends do amazing things to help out others.  People can say what they want, but todays young people have so much heart.  I am proud of all of them.

My goal was to try and get as healthy as possible before he comes home.  Unfortunately, my body has had other plans.  So, that and getting moved have been my focus.  At least, for now.  There is many weeks ahead of days like today.  I am sure.  I sit here and in one moment I am smiling and proud as can be.  The next moment, I am in tears.  One day at a time.  People say it gets easier.  I don't think it does.  I think what gets easier is how we deal with the feelings.  Keeping busy helps, but the time comes you still have to sit still.  That is when the feelings catch up with you.  So, they never really disappear.  It isn't hurt, disappointmet, or loss you feel.  It is a feeling that can not be described.  It's so many emotions all at the same time.  Pride, love, sadness, motivation, etc., all together.  Well, as soon as I get an address, I will let you know.  In keeping with OPSEC, I will have to have those that want it to message me.  Not going to post it online, so will have to send it to you.  Gotta think safety first.  We love you all.  God Bless!!!  Much love and many blessings!!!        

Ring!!!!

Funny how the phone ringing around 8 p.m. stimulates so much excitement around here.  The first phone call was at 8 p.m..  It was my mother in-law.  Then it rang again about 8:30 p.m..  Low and behold, it was Dustin.  To be honest we didn't expect to hear anything before tomorrow if at all for the next couple of weeks.  Talk about excitement.  The whole house was a buzz of smiles and questions.  Shelby was next door at my mother-in-laws and ran home.  I think that was the fastest I have ever seen her move.  Especially where one of her brothers is concerned.  lol!!  He did say that he only had a couple of minutes to talk and just called to let us know he was okay.  He also said that he would be mailing a letter with his address on it within the next day or so.  It is exactly what I expected.  He sounded so happy.  I asked him if he liked it.  He said that he liked it "a lot".  He sounded better then anytime we had spoken to him before.  He got to say "Hi" and "I love you" to all four of us.  Just this simple little conversation meant so much to all of us.  He truly does sound like he is in a good place mentally.  As parents, it made Paul and I feel so good about his decision.  Dustin has never been able to hide things from us very well.  We could always tell from his tone and the words he used how he was feeling.  To be honest, I could tell he had no regrets.  Truly, all I have ever asked of the kids is that they are happy doing what they choose.  The tone in his voice and the way he spoke only led us to believe that he is where he needs to be.  We talk about being proud of him for making the choice to serve his country.  We are also very proud of the fact that he chose to follow his heart and pursue his dreams.  Not everyone gets that opportunity.  Add that to his need to make a difference and help others, and we are two parents who feel like we have more then we deserve.  Don't get me wrong.  The worry and concern are great.  We know that it is dangerous.  We also worry about the affects the decisions he will have to make and the things he will see will have on him.  Physically and mentally it will be hard on him and us.  However, like with everything else, we will be there for him.  I have always taught my children that sometimes the things worth having in life, don't come easy.  Oh but when you get there...the journey and what you gained in wisdom are so worth it.  It is the greatest feeling in the world.  It is how I felt about becoming a nurse.  It is how he feels about becoming a soldier.  Two completely different ambitions, but the passion is the same.  This mom gets it.  Even with the tears, worry, and everything else involved...I get it.  I have often said that one of the greatest things I have ever done in my life is decided to marry Paul and have my children.  They are the best family any mother/wife could ask for.  My greatest blessings.  The other great thing in my life I have accomplished is to become a nurse.  I absolutely and completely am satisfied and love what I do.  I love that it not only makes a difference in my life, but also in someone else's.  My hope for Dustin, Shelby, and Dylan is that someday they will feel the same.  Dustin is starting to realize his purpose in life, even if it is hard and comes with much sacrifice.  More then that, he is starting to learn that purpose, with passion behind it, is a very powerful thing.  It is that passion, along with his faith in God, that will see him through the coming weeks.  It is that passion that will get him through long after BCT and AIT.  As soon as I get his address I will pass it on.  I know that it seems like it is taking so long, but remember everything happens on the U.S. Army's time clock.  I have prepared both the kids not to expect to hear anything for a while.  I am sure they will keep him busy.  time will pass quicker for him then it does us, I am sure.  He sounded so good and that is enough for our family.  At least, for now.  Much love and many blessings!!!